Feb 032016
 

There’s something I want you to know about me: I’m not afraid of the dark. Not anymore, anyways. I used to be afraid of the dark. Very afraid. I’ll tell you why in a minute, but first I’m going to tell you what I mean by “the dark.” I don’t mean the sleepy time dark. This isn’t about turning out the light and then taking a running leap onto your bed so the monsters underneath can’t grab your ankles. I don’t mean the planet earth dark. This isn’t about the sun going down, or the blackness of a new moon, or how creepy and still it gets during the dead hours of the night. Dark isn’t a hair color or a skin color or a type of coffee. The dark I’m talking about? It’s a part of me. It’s a part of you. It’s a part of us. I know what some of you […]

 February 3, 2016
Jan 312016
 
Feeling Something vs. Feeling Nothing

I’m sitting at the end of the Ocean Beach pier, writing, listening to music in the dark. I’ve been to the other side of the world and back, and this is still one of my favorite places to be. Being able to walk here from my house is humbling and ridiculous and not real all at the same time. I’ve been to the end of this pier a million times before. It always feels different at night. A little bit scary. A little bit exciting. Still, I feel safe here. Tonight, I’ve had a bit of wine and the surf is so big that I can feel the pier rocking back an forth. A surge of nausea moves through me every few minutes and I kind of like it. It’s gloomy and dark and quiet enough that it feels like anything could happen. A rogue wave could come in at any second and wash me away. Lightning […]

 January 31, 2016
Jan 262016
 
Another Woman's Beauty

“She has it all,” I told him. I really think she does. I had just spent days studying this amazing woman. She is hot. Rich. Likable, well-known and respected. Funny, smart. Extremely generous with her time and money. In a solid relationship. Owns a successful business. The list could go on. She has worked for all of it. She deserves all of it. My favorite part is she never ever seems to take it for granted. Most of me loves her. Part of me wants to be her. Part of me wonders why I’m not my own version of her yet. The last part of me wonders if there are women out there that ever look at me and think that I’m the one that has everything. “Nobody has it all,” he said. I appreciated the effort to make me feel better. “Yeah. I know.” I said. I didn’t believe it, though. I felt deflated […]

 January 26, 2016
Dec 302015
 

Bye-bye, 2015. I don’t even know why I come to the coffee shop to write. I always end up with tears in my eyes and then I’m that girl that’s crying at the coffee shop. I guess if I really cared about being the girl who cries at the coffee shop I’d relocate. Instead I like it a little bit when people catch me crying. I wipe my cheek and half-smile to let them know I’m OK. I hope they also know it means they can cry at the coffee shop if they want to, too. It’s the second to last day of the year and I am feeling it for sure. Reading all my old new year’s posts here, here and here before I write the next one is always the best. This time is no different. This year sure got off to a rocky start. Now we’re a day away […]

 December 30, 2015
Dec 152015
 

I won’t even try to pretend that I’ll get more than one post out before the end of the year. Once I take off on a plane to the east coast productivity is highly unlikely. Usually by this time of year I am doing everything I can to stop myself from curling up into a ball under the covers and not getting up until Spring. Not this time. This year is different. I’m different. Me, in my life right now? I can’t remember a time when I felt more grateful, more at peace, more beautiful, or more excited about the future. That’s saying a lot. Don’t get me wrong. Life is never perfect over here. There is still a monster list of everything I want to do, be, see, have, and feel. This is about wanting it all, but knowing when it’s time for content and gratitude so that you don’t need a damn […]

 December 15, 2015
Dec 042015
 

  I think about when I was moving to Thailand and got rid of all my stuff. I was at my bar drinking and watching football when a nice boy offered to refill my beer cup from his pitcher. Who can resist and offer like that? I don’t remember his name, but I’m 98% sure it was some generic boy name like Matt or Mike. We hung out a few times before I moved and I gave him/he wanted my leopard print Snuggie. I haven’t seen him since. I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. Would I even recognize him? Would he offer to give me the Snuggie back? Would it be wrong to ask? Those few months before I moved was such a weird and fun time in my life. I also think about all the homeless people in this town. They rarely bother me and often even give […]

 December 4, 2015
Nov 122015
 

Today was just a day. Mostly like any other day. I woke up at 6:30 a.m. I hit the snooze out of habit, even though I rarely if ever stay in bed until the snooze is up. I closed my eyes for another minute or two. I checked the temp to prepare for my morning walk–46 degrees. Ouch. Not looking forward to that in my face. A pain in my side is back. I decided to give it a week to go away. It was unnoticeable on Tuesday. Of course, I had to have two glasses of wine last night and it’s back with a vengeance. I need to go to the doctor. I got up and took a swig of coconut oil. I’ve been pulling oil almost everyday for months now. Minimum, 20 minutes. Sometimes I’ll get lost in an activity or book or The Tonight Show with Jimmy […]

 November 12, 2015
Sep 162015
 

The Universe is protecting me again. If you don’t remember my birthday gift from last year, you can read up here. My birthday is next week and I got another  present from the universe again today. A few weeks ago, I texted my brother-in-law about potentially surprising my sister in New York. Me and my sister were born two days apart. Celebrating together was something that we’d come to love doing, but hadn’t been able to do in a while. He never responded to my text. I was confused at first. I  just sat on it, thinking he may have been scheming a way to bring up birthday plans with my sister without blowing my cover. While I was waiting, I saw an opportunity to attend a retreat with a woman that I’ve been following for a bit. I’d always wanted to work with her one-on-one but the investment was […]

 September 16, 2015
Aug 092015
 

What’s with all my dying talk? I don’t know. It’s been on my mind a lot. I’ve been reading a whole lot of woo-woo books lately and they must be getting to my head (wink.) You know the ones. They have “Spiritual” or “Energy” or “Soul” or “Universe” in the title and some weird tribal pattern or picture of a goddess on the cover. I love me some woo. I haven’t been in the mood for anything I’m usually in the mood for recently. The people who used to fire me up sound like nails on a freaking chalkboard. Anything that used to motivate me makes roll my eyes so hard they could disappear. A “motivational” quote puts a scowl on my face that could haunt you for the rest of your life. Oh, you haven’t seen my unintended yet incredibly effective faces? They’re no joke. I have an ex-boyfriend who used […]

 August 9, 2015
Aug 042015
 

Facebook plays such a weird role in my life. Remember when that boy I maybe loved was in town a couple months ago? I wouldn’t have known if it weren’t for Facebook. I would have preferred to not know. Maybe then it wouldn’t have bothered me so much when he didn’t let me know he was coming to town. Maybe it wouldn’t have hurt so much when he made an effort to see everyone we used to be friends with except me. Someone always gets squeezed out, right? You never think it’s going to be you. I wanted to block him. I wanted to block him so bad. But I didn’t. “Don’t, Katey,” I thought. “You’ll regret it.” What if he finds out? It’s wrong and petty and childish. You’re stronger than that. Don’t be immature. Just get over it already. I did the next best thing and blocked his girlfriend instead. She’s […]

 August 4, 2015