Sep 232016
It Was the Best Year Ever

It was a good year. This was the year I ran away – again. I packed a suitcase. Put it in my car. I washed the dishes and made my bed. Watered my plants. Locked up my house. I drove away. I like to run away when it gets bad. I like to say there are no mistakes, that everything happens for a reason. This year I made a mistake that could have turned into something big. I could have and would have handled it, but I sure didn’t want to. I wanted to take it back. Turn back time. Lock myself inside my house and never come back out. Scoop out my outsides and wash them down the kitchen sink. Hang upside down and shake myself until all the pain stuck inside me was laying in a pile on the floor beneath me. Please, just let me start over. There […]

 September 23, 2016
May 132016

Everyone Deserves a Second Chance But what if they don’t want one? I tried to talk to him. It wasn’t the best time, but it was the only time that I had. He didn’t want to talk to me. He answered all my questions with questions. He didn’t even want to look me in the eye. (I don’t know why not. I get complimented on them all the time.) A week later he ignored me on the street, twice in one day. It hurts in a can’t breathe kind of way. I wish I didn’t hurt because of someone who does that. But it still hurts. It’s possible he doesn’t like the way he acted and is embarrassed and doesn’t know what to say to me and is afraid of what I’ll say (I’m intimidating, remember?). It’s possible he thinks I’m mad and don’t want to talk to him again. I do want […]

 May 13, 2016
Apr 292016

Nerd alert. A cute boy invited me out for a drink, and I turned him down because I’m in sweatpants reading a book. This might not sound like a big deal to you, but for a girl who not so long ago would never turn down a drink or a cute boy, who is also very single and (almost) lonely? That’s definitely not the obvious choice. So, here’s more on my nerd alert. Have you ever read something or heard something that was just so real and so true for you that it almost feels like it changes everything you know about everything in an instant? Something that is so, so true for you that it’s almost like you’re not even reading it, but remembering that you already know it deep down in the absolute center of your core? It happens to me sometimes. It may be the reason why I even read books. […]

 April 29, 2016
Apr 262016

My friend’s wife was knocking on the bathroom door. I don’t know how long I’d been locked inside. All I know is that it had been long enough to warrant a door knock from a woman I barely knew. I’d been staring in the mirror, talking to myself. “What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing?” I asked myself over and over again out loud. I wonder if they could hear me? I couldn’t stop staring myself in the eyes, asking. “What are you doing? What are you doing?” I didn’t know what the hell I was doing there, and I was determined to figure it out. I stared at myself in the mirror and asked myself. I didn’t have an answer yet, so I just kept asking. It was late, long after last call. I looked beautiful and totally partied out, so drunk and confused and […]

 April 26, 2016
Mar 132016

I keep waking  up in the middle of the night with no clue where I am while my heart feels like it’s beating out of my chest. This is surely a symptom of a two week solo backpacking trip to the Dominican Republic. It’s been almost a week since I got home. I’m extremely passionate about getting a good night’s sleep so I hope this symptom resolves itself soon. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: travel–solo travel, specifically–is the biggest and best shortcut that exists for personal growth and self-awareness. I get that travel is not for everyone. To be honest, I don’t know if travel is really for anyone. That’s the point. Traveling alone to a foreign land you’ve never been before where they don’t speak your language sounds almost ridiculous on paper. It sounds like a romantic and exciting adventure to bring only yourself and a backpack to a place where nobody knows you and […]

 March 13, 2016
Feb 032016

There’s something I want you to know about me: I’m not afraid of the dark. Not anymore, anyways. I used to be afraid of the dark. Very afraid. I’ll tell you why in a minute, but first I’m going to tell you what I mean by “the dark.” I don’t mean the sleepy time dark. This isn’t about turning out the light and then taking a running leap onto your bed so the monsters underneath can’t grab your ankles. I don’t mean the planet earth dark. This isn’t about the sun going down, or the blackness of a new moon, or how creepy and still it gets during the dead hours of the night. Dark isn’t a hair color or a skin color or a type of coffee. The dark I’m talking about? It’s a part of me. It’s a part of you. It’s a part of us. I know what some of you […]

 February 3, 2016
Jan 312016
Feeling Something vs. Feeling Nothing

I’m sitting at the end of the Ocean Beach pier, writing, listening to music in the dark. I’ve been to the other side of the world and back, and this is still one of my favorite places to be. Being able to walk here from my house is humbling and ridiculous and not real all at the same time. I’ve been to the end of this pier a million times before. It always feels different at night. A little bit scary. A little bit exciting. Still, I feel safe here. Tonight, I’ve had a bit of wine and the surf is so big that I can feel the pier rocking back an forth. A surge of nausea moves through me every few minutes and I kind of like it. It’s gloomy and dark and quiet enough that it feels like anything could happen. A rogue wave could come in at any second and wash me away. Lightning […]

 January 31, 2016
Jan 262016
Another Woman's Beauty

“She has it all,” I told him. I really think she does. I had just spent days studying this amazing woman. She is hot. Rich. Likable, well-known and respected. Funny, smart. Extremely generous with her time and money. In a solid relationship. Owns a successful business. The list could go on. She has worked for all of it. She deserves all of it. My favorite part is she never ever seems to take it for granted. Most of me loves her. Part of me wants to be her. Part of me wonders why I’m not my own version of her yet. The last part of me wonders if there are women out there that ever look at me and think that I’m the one that has everything. “Nobody has it all,” he said. I appreciated the effort to make me feel better. “Yeah. I know.” I said. I didn’t believe it, though. I felt deflated […]

 January 26, 2016
Dec 302015

Bye-bye, 2015. I don’t even know why I come to the coffee shop to write. I always end up with tears in my eyes and then I’m that girl that’s crying at the coffee shop. I guess if I really cared about being the girl who cries at the coffee shop I’d relocate. Instead I like it a little bit when people catch me crying. I wipe my cheek and half-smile to let them know I’m OK. I hope they also know it means they can cry at the coffee shop if they want to, too. It’s the second to last day of the year and I am feeling it for sure. Reading all my old new year’s posts here, here and here before I write the next one is always the best. This time is no different. This year sure got off to a rocky start. Now we’re a day away […]

 December 30, 2015
Dec 152015

I won’t even try to pretend that I’ll get more than one post out before the end of the year. Once I take off on a plane to the east coast productivity is highly unlikely. Usually by this time of year I am doing everything I can to stop myself from curling up into a ball under the covers and not getting up until Spring. Not this time. This year is different. I’m different. Me, in my life right now? I can’t remember a time when I felt more grateful, more at peace, more beautiful, or more excited about the future. That’s saying a lot. Don’t get me wrong. Life is never perfect over here. There is still a monster list of everything I want to do, be, see, have, and feel. This is about wanting it all, but knowing when it’s time for content and gratitude so that you don’t need a damn […]

 December 15, 2015