Nov 272014
 

The Thanksgiving Post remains my most popular post to date. I don’t really know why. I was still pretty new to this blogger-writing-in-public thing. The words and thanks were genuine but I still had no idea what I was doing.

I love Thanksgiving. I am lonely and I am a little bit sad today, though. A typical Thanksgiving will not be happening for me. I am 3,000 miles away from my family and best friends. My love still hasn’t arrived and each passing day leaves me feeling more single than the day before. I had invitations. One to go to Mexico with couples. The other to have Friendsgiving with a group that included one of my actual friends and a bunch of people I feel extremely “meh” about and would have led to me getting drunk before dinner just to make conversations bearable. I really hope they aren’t reading this. I turned both invitations down because “doing things that I don’t want to do” and “spending time with people that I don’t like” were both on my list of things to stop doing this year. I don’t know how much I’ve stuck by that but if I do both of those right now I think it counts as progress.

So, yes. I’ll spend my Thanksgiving alone and yeah, I’ll probably spend most of it feeling lonely and a little bit sad. It’s fine though. Do you know why it’s fine? It means I have people to miss. It means that I can identify loneliness and not be afraid of it. It means that sad doesn’t scare me because I know happy is right on the other side. It’s also fine because I have such an incredible list of things in my life that I am so very thankful for and all of those things outweigh the sad and lonely by a billion times.

I’m thankful for my writing. I am thankful that sometimes I read something I wrote and it feels so perfect and true for me that I can’t believe I wrote it or that it somehow came from my soul to my mind to my brain to my fingers to the screen because I love the words so much. I’m also thankful for the times I write a bunch of garbage and get to delete it. Or the times I second guess my words but know they need to be free so I hit publish no matter how insecure I feel about it. The feelings, the experience, the vulnerability. I hate the word vulnerability. Ugh. I’m not thankful for that word. I wish there was a different word for it. I wish I could write more. How do such heavy words make you feel so much lighter?  Does that even make sense? I hope so. Or even better, I hope you believe the words I write immediately and don’t have to second guess them like I do. Do all writers do this?  I’m thankful for my mother. I know you’re thinking that she doesn’t fit in this “thank.” But my mother is a writer, too. So if I got any tiny part of my writing from her then she definitely belongs here.

I’m thankful for my mother again. My father, too. I love them so much. If you look at all of us together, you’ll see that I’m just like my father. I look like him. I think like him. I probably even talk like him most of the time. But I’m more like my mother than anyone would think. Even more than she would ever think. She will probably hate to read this. I catch myself sitting like her. I drink like her. Every once in a while I’ll smoke a cigarette and I just know that I look the way she used to when she smoked cigarettes. She quit smoking on her 40th birthday. I remember it well. I was 13. I wanted her to quit so badly. Now every time I smoke I think about how I probably look like my mother smoking it. Isn’t that hilarious? I hope if I ever have kids, I become even more like my mom because she is a really good mom. I think one of the greatest parts of life is realizing that your parents are just people. When you realize they’ve influenced you in the craziest ways–ways you’ll never be able to comprehend or remember or process–and that most of the time they weren’t doing any of it on purpose. They’re just like you, doing the best they can. They’ve always done the best they could with all the love they had. I’ve been blessed with amazing parents. I know this isn’t the case for everyone. I have close friends with parents who were nearly nonexistent or have passed away. This realization is probably much harder for them. But when you accept that your parents are in your life to be your greatest teachers and begin to understand you chose them for that very reason, the resistance against them fades. They become partners of your life, not parents of your life and everything gets much, much easier. I am so incredibly thankful for my parents.

I’m thankful that I work for someone who actually gets it. Someone who gets what I’ve been fighting against because he fought it too and won. I’m thankful I can work for someone that talks to me like I’m an actual person and not just an employee. I’m thankful I work for someone who calls my quirks and idiosyncrasies “the Katey-ness of Katey” instead of calling them something else that would make me want to hold back my Katey-ness in the future. I’m thankful I work for someone who made more money in one day than I’ve made in the last five years because it proves that you can help people and still make money and still be nice and generous and full of more and more ideas about how to help more and more people. I’m thankful I get to work right next to someone that I look up to and have admired for years and so I get to see that he can be insecure and unsure and stubborn and a person just like anyone else. I’m thankful that before I left work yesterday I told my boss I was thankful to be working for him and he looked like nobody had ever said that to him before so I think he knew I really meant it. Because after the last few years of my life, I really meant it.

I’m thankful I’ve been back in San Diego for more than a year now and I love it just as much as the day I got back. I started laughing today because a little less than a year ago, my ex-boyfriend was in town and he had this great idea to go to a bar we used to frequent when we were dating. I always had a crush on one of the bartenders there and he happened to be at the bar that night. That bartender gave me a hug and said “hi, gorgeous” the way he always did after he’d had a couple of drinks as long as he was single at the time. He asked me how my Thanksgiving was and I told him I’d spent Thanksgiving at the bar with the owner because I’m a Thanksgiving orphan. Later that night we were talking at a table and had some shots and a really quick, innocent kiss. I ended up leaving without saying goodbye and woke up to a Facebook message from Bartender wondering where I went and several angry voicemails and texts from my ex-boyfriend wondering why would I kiss Bartender? Why would I do that? Bartender hasn’t hugged me or called me “gorgeous” since that night and my ex-boyfriend de-friended me on Facebook and doesn’t talk to me anymore. Is it okay to be thankful for all of it? To be thankful it happened at all, or happened almost a year ago, and to be thankful it all made me laugh today? I’m sure most of you don’t have a clue what it has to do with being back in San Diego. I’m not sure I know either. But none of it would have happened if I had never moved back to San Diego and I seriously needed that laugh at myself on a sad and lonely day like today. I still go to that bar and I still love the bar and love Bartender and even love my ex-boyfriend and am thankful that time heals all wounds and can make us giggle about situations that once made us feel like the only solution was to curl up into a ball and die.

I’m thankful for this earth. I’ve watched Overview at least 6 times and it always makes me cry like a freaking baby. I have a pretty strong belief that there are other places in this universe to live. I chose Earth. So did you. Life here is hard. Life here is also extremely beautiful. Today is November 27th and it was sunny and 84 degrees where I live. I went to the beach and got sun on my face. There are palm trees here and there is snow over there. Every sunset I see makes me feel like I got punched in the gut and then sometimes there is a rainbow that makes me feel like nothing happening on this earth even matters. I’ve seen parts of this earth that make me wonder if I am even awake or alive or if it’s all just fake. That isn’t a joke. I’ve looked at a view that changed everything I thought I knew about myself and my life. Anything with that power is something to be very, very thankful for.

I’m thankful for my face. I have a post draft titled “My Fucking Face.” It is a rant about a conversation I had recently about…well, my fucking face. I have a nice looking face. It has probably helped me get jobs. It has probably helped me get discounts and free drinks and better tips. It has probably helped me in ways I will never know or understand. You know what it’s never helped me get? A partner that loves me as much as I love him. This face has never gotten me the look that you see between two people that really, truly love one another. I’m trying to be patient and OK with this part of my life. It’s never helped me believe that a guy is actually interested in who I am or what I have to offer.  Because the good nice guys are too afraid to talk to a girl with a face like this. Because the other nice guys that aren’t afraid of the face are just begging for a pretty girl to walk all over them or help feed their ego. And the guys who aren’t afraid to talk to a face like mine? Well, they’re usually fucking assholes. Part of me feels ridiculous for writing this. Poor me with the pretty face. WTF. If you’re beautiful you probably know where I’m coming from. If you don’t think you’re beautiful then you probably stopped reading two minutes ago. I live at the beach and see mostly-naked people all the time. People with some of the most beautiful bodies you’ve ever seen up close in real life. I look at them and wonder if the way I feel about my face is the way they feel about their bodies. Because I love my face but sometimes I really hate my body. Sometimes I don’t even feel that great about my face. Do they ever hate their perfect bodies? I don’t know.  I do know that this world can make everyone feel ugly but everyone deserves to feel beautiful and my face helps me do that. So I am thankful for it.

I’m thankful for turning 30. I don’t know if other people feel different when they turn 30. I started to feel different right away. I try not to think about age too much but we live in a society obsessed with that stupid number. I had a seriously complicated relationship with my twenties, so I was more than happy to make a big deal out of this special number birthday. The big deal comes from a lot of different things. It comes from the people I love that didn’t make it to 30 and the incredible amount of bullshit that one must live through for 30 years in a row so they can turn 30 and how much can actually happen in that amount of time and how much will happen in the next 30 years if I survive those, and how many times I probably should have/could have died during the past 30 years and how my parents have been married to each other for more years than I’ve even been alive and that when my mother was my age she already had three children and then consider the fact that I even exist on this planet in this space and time and that I am really just a small insignificant speck of dust in the universe and what the hell am I even doing here?  Right? And then consider the natural disaster and beautiful series of events leading up to my 30th birthday…how could I not feel something about all of this? I’m thankful I turned 30 this year. Something tells me I’m going to be really thankful to turn anything from now on.

I’m just…so very thankful.

 November 27, 2014
Nov 182014
 

photoI’ve loved Cheryl Strayed for a very long time. I love Dear Sugar and my favorite mother f-ing mug is more or less attached to my hand.

I’m rereading Tiny Beautiful Things right now. It is one of those books that you can read over and over because every time it feels a little different and will mean something else and something more. Last time, I felt this. Right now, it feels like this:

“She’d have to find a way within herself to not only escape the shit, but to transcend it, and if she wasn’t able to do that, then her whole life would be shit, forever and ever and ever…She had to do more than hold on. She had to reach. She had to want it more than she’d ever wanted anything…Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal…but the healing–the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change–is entirely and absolutely up to you.”

Holy shit. If that isn’t the last few years of my life then I don’t know what is. I think I love Cheryl Strayed right now more than any other stranger I’ve ever loved. I hope that one day I can write the way she does. The way that makes tears stream down your face when you’re reading it but you don’t even know why you’re crying or maybe you don’t even realize you’re crying until tears start to drip onto the page. The way that kind of makes you feel like you can’t breathe at all but are breathing everything in all at once at the same time.

Yeah. Tiny Beautiful Things. I’m pretty sure these are what life is made of.

 November 18, 2014
Nov 052014
 

Wednesday. Humpday. That is definitely what today was. I had zero energy or enthusiasm for anything.  I forced myself to get up with my alarm so I would work out. I felt like I was dragging ass the whole time and probably should’ve just used the time to get some more sleep. Everything seemed twice as hard as it should have been and I didn’t smile nearly enough. I don’t know if it’s the time change and weather change or if I’m just in a funk for seemingly no reason. I placed and order for my special winter supplement dream team of mega strength fish oil, D3 and 5-HTP just in case I need a little extra support. I’ve been trying to get out a new post for weeks. That might have something to do with my blahs. I layered on some hot pink lipstick and fixed up my mascara. I put on my favorite sweater – the pink one with hearts on it that I got for $8 on clearance – and I’m starting to feel better already.

My grandma says, “If it’s pink, buy it.” She is totally on to something there.

I’m not complaining, though. Nope. Not at all. Because once upon a time, I told one of my idols that I would work for him for free. He offered to pay me for it anyways. Now I drive to his house every day and get to know him and his business. Today he gave me a free book. On Monday he made king crab for lunch complete with drawn grass-fed butter. I spent 13 hours last Saturday working for our big launch. I know 13 hours of work might not sound fun to you, but I wouldn’t have spent my day any other way.

How do you know you know you’re doing the right thing? When you don’t feel like you should be doing something else.

There was a time when I spent every moment of my day being angry about all the other things I could, should, and would be doing if I wasn’t “stuck” at work. Now the day flies by and I almost can’t believe I get paid for this. From superfan to employee? Yes, please. I had a vision of a time where I would be in this place and have a job that actually made sense. I had pretty much given up hope that it would come in the form of an opportunity like this.

I always imagined I would get my life to the next level. I always knew I would get there somehow. History proved over and over again that I would have to start from scratch and create that type of work experience from the ground up. I thought I was going to have to fight my way against the world to the top, tooth and nail. Instead, it took me a decade to fight tooth and nail to a place where I felt more lost than ever. Once I got there, it took me an hour to make a four minute video that completely changed the game. So maybe fairy tales do exist and dreams do come true…or whatever. Going from zero to hero in three months really is a little bit like a dream. Some moments, I can’t believe this is actually happening. Other moments, it feels like someone made a terrible mistake and there is no possible way that this is right. The rest of the moments are wonderful, though. In the rest of the moments, everything feels like it just fits, as if all the other moments of my life happened in some perfectly organized sequence to get me to this very place.  To think of these odds, to think of where I came from, where I went, what I’ve been through, and where I am now.

It’s one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me. I’m not saying this to brag. I’m saying this to let you know it’s possible. That anything is possible. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’ve been waiting for something like this to come together for…ev…er. It almost feels like a shortcut or a little weight off. I finally have some proof that maybe, just maybe, I’m actually destined for the things I’ve always felt inside of me. I have some little bit of proof that I’m actually on my path and everything I’ve ever done has happened in the exact way and time that it was supposed to. (You know I love to get a little woo-woo up in here.)  Here I am, finally existing in the exact type of opportunity that I’ve been looking for. Feeling my core desired feelings. I am finally able to work beside someone who is somewhere I want to be.

But now I have to step up. Now I have to be more determined. More committed. More disciplined. About every thing, every day. This is the only way to move forward faster. I know, I know. This isn’t a race. This isn’t about getting there faster. Actually, none of this even matters. My boss doesn’t give a shit if I’m doing something great for myself. He just wants me to be doing great things for him. They are one in the same, though, aren’t they? And this is about me right now, not anyone else. This is about is having the opportunity and the people and the resources to get me past the plateau that I’ve been sitting on for 3 years. I know this opportunity has changed my life forever. Has that ever happened to you? Something happens and you just know that it is a complete game changer. I can see the next level. It is so close I can touch it. It’s right there. I’m not going to touch it yet, though. Because guess what?

Moving to the next level is scary as fuck. I see this in my life over and over and over again.

Why is it so scary? Abraham Hicks says it best:  I want to feel ready for what I want but I don’t feel ready for what I want.

“If I were ready, it would already be a manifested reality. What do I do to be ready? You stop worrying about not being ready. Accept that you’re always going to be not ready for the next thing that you’re going to hatch.”

Gahhhhhhdammit. Why am I not ready? I could go into the shoulda, coulda shame spiral on this one. Wasted time, poor decisions and too much vodka come to mind. I know what to do. I know what is best for me. I’m just scared to do it for any number of reasons. I’m not sure what other people will think. Sometimes I’m not even sure what I think. Changing yourself and moving into the unknown is terrifying. It’s comfortable being comfortable, right? The worst part is that staying the same is probably even scarier. I feel ready though.

I want to be ready soooo badly. 

I also want to be kind and patient with myself. I’ve decided that when you turn 30 you have to start being nicer to yourself. All this good stuff happened and the rest of it will happen, too. It’s too easy to freak out about the future and beat myself up for all the things I could have done differently or compare my life to everyone else’s or focus on lack instead of gratitude. I don’t want to do those things. I’m done being so hard on myself for right now.

We must be patient while we wait for the perfection of the universal forces. – Abraham Hicks

Patience. We’ve been practicing this one, guys. We can surely be patient for just a little while longer.

photoEventually our ready will match up with the universe’s ready and it will be nothing but magic.

Magic and giggles. I want some giggles there, too.

And if we can be patient with some hot pink lipstick and a sweater with hearts on it, I’d have to say life is pretty good.

 

 November 5, 2014
Sep 222014
 

Aaahhhh. September. I love you so.

September is my favorite month. The weather is always perfect, the crowds are gone and there are birthdays galore (New Year’s babies for sure). I’m also lucky enough to live in San Diego where September doesn’t mean the beginning of the end of summer. Days are definitely getting shorter but there isn’t any looming feeling about winter letting my depression gene bust out of its cage. Summer weather is still in full swing. The heat won’t let up. I’ve been sweating since July and my poor house plants didn’t survive.

The summer buzz is finally starting to calm down, though. Thank goodness. For a minute there – ok…a month – I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out alive. The past few months flew by and were a constant stream of working hard, partying harder and learning to manage a new type of life. It was intense and fun and exhausting and exciting all at the same time. I’m almost done. It is time for a rest, please.

Yes, I love September. I actually seem to be in love with everything right now. I love all the beach days and all the boys. All the food and all the drinks. All the work and all the stress. All the sleep and all the books. All the sunsets and all the rain. Even all the Ocean Beach bums. I had an awesome trip to Cabo San Lucas planned for my 30th birthday. It was cancelled due to natural disaster. Somehow I’m even finding a way to love that.  If some hurricane with a wacky name wants to try to ruin my birthday, so be it. A hurricane has literally rained on my parade but guess what? I’m turning 30 and I’m pumped.Whats better than dancing and kissing and laughing in the rain anyways? I can’t think of a damn thing. This is all proof that let me love you works. It fucking works, you guys. Give love, get love. Its that simple.

I’m turning 30. Tomorrow. Omg omg omg. One ‘omg’ for every decade. I could not be more excited. My 20’s were wonderful. They were also all over the place and extremely tough on me. I’m more than ready to leave them behind and start something new.

In the great grand scheme of the Universe, though, the recent events of my life are almost too much for me to handle. I’ve been working on myself a lot lately (amidst the summer party) and ever since this ridiculous disaster, I’m doing my best to actively trust in what happens – whether good bad or ugly. Trying to give up control and have an unconditional acceptance for anything and everything that comes my way. I was supposed to be on flight to Mexico Sunday morning. Instead, that hurricane left me stranded, lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I decided to give the day a second chance and try to be “productive.” I opened my computer and hopped onto Craigslist. An ad for an “Internet Health Publisher Assistant” caught my eye. It was in a category I never would have normally been looking through. But there I was, not believing my own eyes as a major player and entrepreneur in the internet health space was personally inviting me via Craigslist to apply to be his assistant. Did I mention I’ve been following this guy for years? He has been on my “Things I Love” page since my very first blog post. I’ve listened, watched and read pretty much anything he’s ever done. And now…only now that I am not on a flight to Cabo San Lucas due to a natural disaster am I finding an easily accessible opportunity to work with him? You can’t make this shit up. This is life happening before your eyes.

He said no resumes. Good.  How many times have I said I never want another job that wants my resume? I look fucking terrible on paper. He just wanted a four minute video detailing all the books I’ve read this year and why I’m a good fit.

Sweet…I’ve got an iPhone. I can make a video.

Awesome…I read books. Lots of them.

Omg…this is the most perfect snuggly fit of all time.

I made my video and sent him the link. I tried to forget about it. Twenty-four hours later he emailed me asking for a Skype chat. Twenty-seven hours later we were chatting. Twenty-seven hours and 11 minutes later he asked me if I wanted the job. I almost thought he was kidding. I said yes anyways. Starting Thursday, a dream I almost didn’t know I had comes true. I get to work for someone I have admired for years. Someone that is smarter than me. Someone that I can actually learn from and does something I care about and respect. Someone that has played a major part in some of the biggest, most positive changes in my life. Now I get to be a part of that. My life direction, attitude, focus, excitement – all changed within a matter of hours. How can you not trust the Universe when things like this happen? The timing. The history. The feeling. The everything. It is just too much. I almost can’t believe it is real. But it is real. Real magic.

How did I even get here? It feels like it came out of nowhere. How did I do this? It always seemed like nothing was ever enough. Why do I deserve this? There has just got to be someone else. Can I even handle this opportunity? First of all…yes. I can. You know why? Because life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. As in – how do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.  No, I didn’t write that. I don’t know who did either. I have it written on a post-it note hanging above my laptop.

Really. How did I even get here and why is this even happening?

Oh. That’s right. 

It’s because I lived the shit out of the last 8 years of my life.

It’s because when it got hard, I leaned directly into it because the fastest, only way out is straight through.

It’s because I knew things weren’t working for me and I went to extremes to figure out why.

It’s because I had my heart broken over and over and loved people and places and things that died or went away or never loved me back and I decided to keep on loving no matter what.

It’s because I decided that I could have everything I wanted once I decided that I already had everything I wanted.

It’s because I told the universe my dream without doubt or apology and I gave the universe time and space to bring it to me.

It’s because I decided how I wanted to feel every day and that it didn’t really matter what it looked like or how it came to me as long as it felt right.

I got here because I was scared but I did it or said it anyway.

I got here because I failed and fucked up and some days didn’t know if I would ever get out of bed again but I still kept going. 

I got here and I deserve this because I refuse to be anything but myself and I will never apologize for it ever again.

I got here because I remember every single day that gratitude will turn anything you have into more than you could ever dream of.

I am here because I know that it gets better and that the bad day you think is never going to end is the very part that makes the good part good.

I’m here because I know without a doubt that every one of us can do more, have more, love more, be more.

I got here because I learned that the reason it’s so hard and hurts so much?

Is because you’re doing it right.

Want to see the 4 minutes that changed my life? Here they are.

I say awesome too much. Then again, life is awesome so nevermind. Thank you for the best birthday present ever, Universe. This gratitude could make me explode.

You too, September. I freaking love you.

 

photo

 

 September 22, 2014
Sep 122014
 

then, she began to breathe,

and live, and every moment took her

to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by.

she was in love,

but not in love with someone

or something,

she was in love with her life. and for the first time,

in a long time,

everything was inspiring.

-r.m. drake

 September 12, 2014
Aug 132014
 

Wow, how did that happen? Six weeks gone, just like that. I’m having the best summer ever. I can’t remember a better summer. Maybe the summer after I graduated high school. I was 18. I was young and beautiful with long blonde hair. I had an amazing job working with some of my best friends. I was making more money than any teenager could dream of. I was headed to my dream college, so excited […]

 August 13, 2014
Jun 232014
 

I had a weird day. The days just get weird after the day that matters. After the day that matters comes several very difficult days of hilarious fun and confusion and anxiety. Everything you would expect those days to be. I want to say that these days were completely major and life changing. They were life changing but I wouldn’t go so far to say that they were major. No, I don’t want to give those […]

 June 23, 2014
Jun 072014
 

Well, I think they read my last post. I wasn’t being given a break so that I wouldn’t quit. It turns out that I was given a break so they could get ready to fire me when I showed up to work on Friday. I’m not going to waste time and energy with the details here. I am going to say that it is a bunch of shady bullshit. You can say all you want […]

 June 7, 2014
Jun 042014
 

It always takes longer than you thought it would. Pay off your debt. Fall in love. Lose the weight. Love yourself completely. Get out of the rut. Find where you belong. Forgive and forget. Tell him how you feel. Find the things you’re good at. Decide what you want. Take the next step. Move on. Move up. Let go. Burn out.  I don’t know how long it took, but that is where I find myself right now. […]

 June 4, 2014
May 292014
 
can't not.

I wanted sleep. I needed sleep. Do you ever have those nights? Where all you need and want is a good night’s sleep but the universe seems to be conspiring against you to prevent it all. Your insomniac roommate is trying to be quiet but actually makes an incredible amount of noise. The car alarm down the block that only stops the moment the dog next door starts barking and only stops barking the moment […]

 May 29, 2014