It’s time to say goodbye again already.
Goodbye 2014. You were a beautiful year. I knew you would be.
I didn’t go out last night. Not a single sip of alcohol passed these lips. If 2014 was beautiful then no hangover on the first day of 2015 is fucking gorgeous. Isn’t it such a backwards way of doing things? People are so hyped on resolutions and having a clean slate on January 1st. Why do we always choose to start with a hangover? I can have a hangover on any day. It’s nice to start my new year in a way that actually sets the tone for the kind of year I’d like to have. I like not making a huge deal of the new year. This is no clean slate or reset after all. No do-overs, no erasing the past. No major difference between any other two consecutive days. The last day of one year and the first day of the next year. There is no benefit in pretending that life and time isn’t just one long continuous …thing.
The end of the year always brings mixed feelings for me. Part of me loves the christmas season. The other part of me feels so completely lonely and empty leading up to the holidays that it physically hurts. I sleep late, binge watch Netflix, and consume everything in sight to try and fill some void that I can’t even define. I start to get sucked into the resolution bullshit. Instead of focusing on all the amazing things that happened, I get stuck thinking about all that could and should have happened for me. I thought it would be the year I found love. It wasn’t. I thought it would be the year I got back into shape. It wasn’t. I thought I would get my own place and travel again. I didn’t. I thought it would be the year I wrote a book and paid off my debt. It kind of was. It also kind of wasn’t. I spend the days thinking about all that wasn’t or didn’t, wishing the time away until I go back east to see my family. Because I know a hug from my family will be just what I need. I also know that it will fly by in a blur and the sooner it is over, the sooner I get to sit alone and be quiet and think about my life and write. This is the time that makes all that hurting go away. This is the time I get to write about it all. This is the time I get to think about all the good that has happened this year. I think about how I imagined this year was going to be like compared to how it really turned out. I think about where I was and who I was on December 31, 2013. I go back and forth between feeling complete awe, complete pain, and complete gratitude. This time is the best time for me.
So what even happened in 2014?
I wrote my 100th post. I was fired. I went to the beach - a lot. I watched my sister get married. I was hired. I read a lot of books. I watched a lot of sunsets. I had a lot of fun. I made a bunch of mistakes. I made lot of good decisions, too.
According to my last new year’s post, I was hoping to spend the year feeling grateful, lusty, free, calm, strong, connected, abundant, fearless. I think I lived that most of the time. At the very least I was living them more by the end of the year than I was at the beginning.
Now I want to feel this: Open. Free. Connected. Excited. Romantic. Infinite.
The words are funny. Some are the same. Plus one year. Just a little more grown up. All quite doable.
I don’t have too much more to say. I have a feeling that 2015 will be a great year. Why wouldn’t it be? They really do keep getting better. I have so many plans. I’ll do more of the things I want to do more of, and less of the things I want to do less of. Can it get more simple than that? More writing, more reading, more sunsets, more new things, more movement, more nutrition, more family, more life.
I still just want more of this beautiful life. I don’t think that will ever change.