I’ve never been so excited for a Monday in my life.
I’ve been pretty awesome. Work is busy and good. My coaching course is almost done and is completely awesome. Summer is just a blink away. My best friend and my entire family are coming to visit next month. My garden is growing like crazy. I’m almost 100% recovered from a disgusting head cold and a broken big toe (Seriously…don’t ask.)
But then this weekend seemed to be the culmination of all things anti-Katey. All I wanted was for it to be over. Since I couldn’t make it be over, I did everything I could to pretend none of it was happening. My favorite question to ask when someone is doing something ridiculous like that:
How’s that working for you?
It started out with an invitation from a friend I’ve been trying to avoid for months. Instead of ignoring his “Want to grab a beer?” text I invited him to a full blown dinner at a place we used to frequent. We had friends that worked that and got lots of free beer and sake in order to drink ourselves into a stupor (which we subsequently did, obviously).
Then I had to send my RSVP +1 in for my friend’s wedding next month. The one guy I asked more or less gave me a flat out “fuck no,” leading me to fully invest in the thought that there is something seriously wrong with me and I am going to die single and alone. I tried to make myself feel better by deciding I would find an amazing dress this weekend instead of an amazing date. I failed miserably. No dress. No date. Table for one, please. Wait, no. Just serve me my filet mignon at the bar.
Just in case my ego wasn’t fully beaten into a pulp, the only boy I’ve ever maybe loved was in town this weekend for his little brother’s graduation. He is with the girl who has been his girlfriend since me and him parted ways years ago. The only thing more annoying than the fact that they are her together is the fact that I even care. Why do I? Down and out with wedding date rejection is soooo much better with a reminder that you still can’t let that stupid boy go.
Ugh. I didn’t want to feel any of it but it turns out I felt all of it anyways. Ain’t that a betch. Apparently no amount of wine or vodka can numb this girl anymore.
So as far as how pretending none of it was happening worked for me? All I got was all the freaking feelings anyways. PLUS a hangover. No bueno.
I can’t numb it so I may as well just feel it. I think that makes it be over faster. Through. Not around. We know this one, guys. I’ve learned it over and over again for you.
Yeah, Monday. I was real happy to see you. There is something about the weekend that really gets to me sometimes. I need a routine. I need work. I need something more. I guess I know all this too and just forgot. What is that anyways?
It’s the extreme balance of the universe. Duh. The second you forget about it is the second the universe decides you gon’ learn to-day!
Most of the above bitchfest is easy to imagine balancing out. If that guy hadn’t left for her, I may not have done all the amazing things I’ve done in the last five years. Maybe I’ll meet someone at the wedding and a date would totally cramp my style. Maybe that guy I invited will end up doing something else that night that will totally change his life for the better. Maybe the perfect dress is waiting for me next weekend. Maybe I need a reminder that it’s time to finally let go.
This goes on and on and on. It’s actually an amazing tool for gratitude practice. How is this best thing for me the worst thing that happens to someone else? And how is this worst thing that happens for me creating the best thing for someone else?
What about the person who was fired from the dream job that I was then hired for? What about when I was the other girl and caused someone else to feel the way I’m feeling…without even knowing? There has got to be a million other examples.
I need to miss out on something to have this awful time in my mind. I have to have this awful battle with my ego to figure out what it is I actually need and want. I have to believe that everything I feel like I’m missing out on is creating something beautiful for someone else right now, right in this second that I feel like I’m missing it. I also have to believe that the awful feeling of right now is creating space for an amazing feeling for me at some point in the future.
Because remember when I felt like this?
Or like this?
Yeah. I definitely believe it.