Sep 222014
 

Aaahhhh. September. I love you so.

September is my favorite month. The weather is always perfect, the crowds are gone and there are birthdays galore (New Year’s babies for sure). I’m also lucky enough to live in San Diego where September doesn’t mean the beginning of the end of summer. Days are definitely getting shorter but there isn’t any looming feeling about winter letting my depression gene bust out of its cage. Summer weather is still in full swing. The heat won’t let up. I’ve been sweating since July and my poor house plants didn’t survive.

The summer buzz is finally starting to calm down, though. Thank goodness. For a minute there – ok…a month – I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out alive. The past few months flew by and were a constant stream of working hard, partying harder and learning to manage a new type of life. It was intense and fun and exhausting and exciting all at the same time. I’m almost done. It is time for a rest, please.

Yes, I love September. I actually seem to be in love with everything right now. I love all the beach days and all the boys. All the food and all the drinks. All the work and all the stress. All the sleep and all the books. All the sunsets and all the rain. Even all the Ocean Beach bums. I had an awesome trip to Cabo San Lucas planned for my 30th birthday. It was cancelled due to natural disaster. Somehow I’m even finding a way to love that.  If some hurricane with a wacky name wants to try to ruin my birthday, so be it. A hurricane has literally rained on my parade but guess what? I’m turning 30 and I’m pumped.Whats better than dancing and kissing and laughing in the rain anyways? I can’t think of a damn thing. This is all proof that let me love you works. It fucking works, you guys. Give love, get love. Its that simple.

I’m turning 30. Tomorrow. Omg omg omg. One ‘omg’ for every decade. I could not be more excited. My 20’s were wonderful. They were also all over the place and extremely tough on me. I’m more than ready to leave them behind and start something new.

In the great grand scheme of the Universe, though, this is all just too much for me to handle. I’ve been working on myself a lot lately (amidst the summer party). Ever since this ridiculous disaster, I’m doing my best to actively trust the Universe. To give up control and have an unconditional acceptance for anything and everything that comes my way. I was supposed to be on flight to Cabo Sunday morning. Instead, that hurricane had me lying in bed feeling sorry for myself. I decided I would try to be “productive.” I opened my computer and hopped onto Craigslist. I came across an ad for an “Internet Health Publisher Assistant” in a category I never would have normally been looking through. But there I was, not believing my own eyes as Sean Croxton was personally inviting me via Craigslist to apply to be his assistant. This guy has been on my “Things I Love” page since my very first blog post. And now…only now that I am NOT on a flight to Cabo San Lucas am I finding an easily accessible opportunity to work with him? You can’t make this shit up. This is life happening before your eyes.

He said no resumes – how many times have I said I never want another job that wants my resume? He just wanted a four minute video detailing all the books I’ve read this year and why I’m a good fit.

Sweet…I’ve got an iPhone. I can make a video.

Awesome…I read books. Lots of them.

Omg…this is the most snuggly fit of all time.

I made my video and sent him the link. Twenty-four hours later he emailed me asking for a Skype chat. Twenty-seven hours later we were chatting. Twenty-seven hours and 11 minutes later he asked me if I wanted the job. I almost thought he was kidding. I said yes anyways. Starting Thursday, I work for Sean Croxton. Someone that I have admired for years. Someone that is smarter than me. Someone that I can actually learn from and does something I care about and respect. Something I am genuinely excited about. I get to be a part of that. My life direction, attitude, focus, excitement – all changed within a matter of hours. How can you not trust the Universe when things like this happen? The timing. The history. The feeling. The everything. It is just too much. I almost can’t believe it is real. But it is real. Real magic.

How did I even get here? It feels like it came out of nowhere. How did I do this? It always seemed like nothing was ever enough. Why do I deserve this? There has just got to be someone else. Can I even handle this opportunity? First of all…yes. I can. You know why? Because life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. As in – how do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.  No, I didn’t write that. I don’t know who did either. I have it written on a post-it note hanging above my laptop.

Really. How did I even get here and why is this even happening?

Oh. That’s right. 

It’s because I lived the shit out of the last 8 years of my life.

It’s because when it got hard, I leaned directly into it because the fastest, only way out is straight through.

It’s because I knew things weren’t working for me and I went to extremes to figure out why.

It’s because I had my heart broken over and over and loved people and places and things that died or went away or never loved me back and I decided to keep on loving no matter what.

It’s because I decided that I could have everything I wanted once I decided that I already had everything I wanted.

It’s because I told the universe my dream without doubt or apology and I gave the universe time and space to bring it to me.

It’s because I decided how I wanted to feel every day and that it didn’t really matter what it looked like or how it came to me as long as it felt right.

I got here because I was scared but I did it or said it anyway.

I got here because I failed and fucked up and some days didn’t know if I would ever get out of bed again but I still kept going. 

I got here and I deserve this because I refuse to be anything but myself and I will never apologize for it ever again.

I got here because I remember every single day that gratitude will turn anything you have into more than you could ever dream of.

I am here because I know that it gets better and that the bad day you think is never going to end is the very part that makes the good part good.

I’m here because I know without a doubt that every one of us can do more, have more, love more, be more.

I got here because I learned that the reason it’s so hard and hurts so much?

Is because you’re doing it right.

Want to see the 4 minutes that changed my life? Here they are.

I say awesome too much. Then again, life is awesome so nevermind. Thank you for the best birthday present ever, Universe. This gratitude could make me explode.

You too, September. I freaking love you.

 

 September 22, 2014
Sep 122014
 

then, she began to breathe,

and live, and every moment took her

to a place where goodbyes were hard to come by.

she was in love,

but not in love with someone

or something,

she was in love with her life. and for the first time,

in a long time,

everything was inspiring.

-r.m. drake

 September 12, 2014
Aug 132014
 

Wow, how did that happen? Six weeks gone, just like that.

I’m having the best summer ever. I can’t remember a better summer. Maybe the summer after I graduated high school. I was 18. I was young and beautiful with long blonde hair. I had an amazing job working with some of my best friends. I was making more money than any teenager could dream of. I was headed to my dream college, so excited to get away from Cape Cod. There was so much ahead of me and so much to look forward to. I had nothing to do but have fun and work hard. I was so free. It was easy to enjoy the time because I knew that everything was about to be completely different. I was so ready for all the things to come.

This summer is kind of like that summer. It is even better, though. I don’t have a plan for the next four years like I did then. These days, I pretty much only know what I’m going to be doing for the next four hours. That type of freedom and uncertainty sure takes some getting used to. Re-learning how to manage your own time is harder than it sounds. I’ve spent most of my almost 30 years being told where to be and when. Thinking that I had to have a “job” and an “income” and the “security” that came with it…and it all disappears the day you get fired.

When you no longer have someone telling you what to do things change in a major way. Once you have some cash flow secured, you have all these thoughts and dreams and expectations about what your days will look like. Many of them look just like you wanted them to look. You wake up naturally, feeling well rested and motivated and ready for the day. You drink your coffee – leisurely, at the beach or while going for a walk, enjoying every sip (you’ve vowed never to spill coffee on yourself rushing to work in the car ever again.) You come back to the house and write or read for a bit, then clear out your email and do some work. The mid-day break involves lunch in the sun or reading at the beach and playing in the ocean or running errands. You work some more until you feel your body getting restless, ready for a workout or a long walk. You’ll come back and do some more. After you watch the sunset, you do some more work or reading or watch a movie or meet friends for dinner or drinks. These days are full of gratitude, productivity and an overwhelming sense of freedom and accomplishment and abundance. These are the type of days you’ve been wanting, working towards, dreaming about your whole entire life.

The other days, though – they look nothing like the good days. The other days have you wondering what the hell happened to you. These days leave you feeling anxious and worried and undeserving of this beautiful life you finally found. You don’t wake up naturally. You probably wake up hungover or restless because you tossed and turned the night before.You drink your coffee but it doesn’t taste as good as you want it to. Today the coffee tastes like shit and you drink it as fast as you can so the caffeine takes effect and you don’t have to taste the shittiness anymore. You can’t decide what to do. You can’t find any motivation and you wonder how you made it this far. The sun is in your eyes and its too f-ing hot today. The ocean is too salty, too warm or too cold depending on the day. Your roommate is annoying and everyone you actually want to see or talk to isn’t responding to your texts and calls. Your body feels old. It is sore and hurts and doesn’t want to walk anywhere. You convince yourself that its OK to miss the sunset today because hey, there will be another one just like it tomorrow right? This type of day makes you want to scream and cry out of frustration because you just can’t seem to figure out why. Why is it never enough for me? Why does my day off leave me feeling more stressed out than all of the days on? Why isn’t my love here to help me through this? Why am I not strong enough to do it alone? Why am I so hard on myself but so forgiving of everyone else around me? Why is the low always so much lower than the high is high? Why do I spend more time than anyone else I know working on my own growth and personal development but still feel like everyone else knows something that I don’t? Why am I so incredibly free but still stuck here?

The days like this drive me crazy. Mostly they drive me crazy because they are so incredibly fun and silly while they’re happening. I run back towards all of the things I’ve been working so hard to stay away from. At the end of these days – hell, sometimes in the middle of these days – you’ll probably be able to find me at the bar or drinking at the beach or in the kitchen making some comfort food. I’ll be texting someone that will feed my ego but is going to eat away at my soul. There will definitely be a smile on my face. I might even have the giggles. I might be alone or maybe surrounded by people I don’t even like. I’ll be having a great time regardless. Its just easier sometimes. And it is definitely much more fun. I know it isn’t right. It isn’t what I should be doing. Yes, these days drive me so incredibly crazy that I just decide to give up for the day. I trade these days in for everything that holds me back from what I really want. When they’re over I have a physical, mental and spiritual hangover that takes days to recover from. The universe is testing me. Showing me that it can’t give me everything I want without challenging me at the same time. This is truth and it is brutal. No matter how long or hard you work you will never get out of the extreme balance of the universe. 

“Relax, enjoy. Stop second guessing yourself. All creative types require distractions, interruptions, and sometimes a little drama to get the most done and to blow the most minds.” -Notes from the Universe on 8/11/14

I certainly hope so. I try not to worry too much about myself. Maybe I’m doing too much? Working for my friend’s business, trying to work on my own business, working on my writing, working on my finances, working on my soul, working on my love life, working on a 30th birthday plan, working on my tan. I want to have it all. I want to do it all. Maybe I can’t. I can, though. I know I can. That’s the worst fucking part. I know I can do it but there is this part of me that won’t let me do it all at the same time. There is a part of me that just won’t let me have all it at the same time.

Maybe I can only focus on one thing at a time. Those good days I told you about can feel slow and relaxing but they are extremely full.  There are so many books I want to read. I have them all in a pile next to my bed. Instead of reading just one at a time I’ll end up overwhelmed and reading none of them for weeks at a time. Sometimes I can’t decide what to do – work, write, relax, party, exercise – or which thing to work on because I always feel like I should be doing the other thing. I’ll waste so much time deciding which way to spend my time and end up doing nothing at all. That is when I know one of those “other days” is headed my way. Maybe the life-cycle of my ups and downs has just shifted. I used to go 3 or 4 months feeling great and being productive and then I would spend 3 or 4 weeks feeling depressed and anxious. Now I’ll get 3 or 4 weeks of great followed by a 2 or 3 day bender. Such is life, right? A long, ridiculous string of unpredictable ups and downs and all arounds. I’m doing the best I can. I know some people out there are questioning me. All I know is that this is what I’m doing right now. That makes it the best I got. I know myself well enough to know that if it was in me right now, I’d be giving it and saying it and doing it. That is the only thing that matters right now.

So yeah, here I am complaining about my inability to manage all of my awesome free time. It isn’t that hard. Its just that I’m not used to it. I’m also way too weak to resist the fun around me. It is going to take some practice. A lot of trial and error. More of all those things that I want to get away from. I’m trying to be patient with myself and remind myself that time isn’t running out, no matter how much it feels that way. I had 20 something years of practice living that other way. I don’t think it will take me that long.This is something that I actually want. You know how that goes. Trying to practice something that you don’t actually want or like? Its going to take much longer than you want it to take. I’m getting flashbacks to grade school ballet. I was told I was too fat to ever be Clara in the Nutcracker. Well…there goes any young girl’s motivation for dancing and the end of my ballet career. I was lucky enough to have parents that let me quit but if I had been forced to stay I’m sure I never would have become a better dancer. But practicing something that you love? Working on something you were born to do?? It is going to come a little bit faster because you finally found it and you care about it so much and there is nothing you can do to stop it. But that doesn’t mean it is going to come right away. It takes work. It takes mistakes. It takes thinking about your life. Thinking about your soul – really thinking – is anything but fun. It is hard fucking work. It can be painful and extremely difficult especially if you’re stubborn like me. You want to look into your past and say that all these people and things had no effect on who you are and what you do. The actual truth is that those people and events that you want to have had absolutely no effect on you are the people and events that affect you the most. Even in real time. The people that push your buttons the most are the ones you wish you could ignore. They’re going to be your greatest teachers though, whether you like it or not. And haters are going to hate, no matter what you do.

So here we are. I guess the six weeks didn’t go just like that. They went with a shitload of working, hustling, stressing, coffee drinking, beaching, partying, planning, thinking, appreciating, reading, being, reflecting, growing, resting. Doing my best. Its all anyone can do.

On a final unrelated/completely related note, its been a while since the lyrics of a song got me right in the f-ing gut. And I still think this is the best summer ever.

.

 August 13, 2014
Jun 232014
 

I had a weird day. The days just get weird after the day that matters.

After the day that matters comes several very difficult days of hilarious fun and confusion and anxiety. Everything you would expect those days to be. I want to say that these days were completely major and life changing. They were life changing but I wouldn’t go so far to say that they were major. No, I don’t want to give those guys that much credit. They don’t get to have some great, profound impact on me. They just…don’t. I don’t intend that to be mean. I just want it to be the truth. I guess a part of me was planning and prepared to leave anyways. A part of me thinks that the whole situation is absolutely hilarious. Another part of me isn’t sure that any of it ever happened. So the major part will never be that day before. I don’t want to remember that day. The day I want to remember is the day that matters and all of the days after it.

I wanted to write in those first few days. Really I did. I would start to write and it wouldn’t sound like me, though. I don’t know who it sounded like, but it wasn’t me. I think I was just venting and processing. Not writing. I wrote a little bit about doing laundry and the LOL-ing I did in the laundromat when I had to wash my black ‘work pants’ for the last time ever. I still don’t know why it was so funny but it was seriously funny to me. Thankfully, I was the only one doing laundry on a Friday night. Otherwise the other Friday night laundry losers probably would have thought I was crazy (I was).

Then I wrote a little bit about my friend that saved my life and gave me a job right away. That makes me laugh out loud, too. A few months ago he offered me this job and I turned it down. This awesome opportunity was right in front of my face. Instead I spent my life slaving away in those stupid black pants because I thought I had to (I didn’t). Gigglegiggleteargiggle. Life is cracking me up right now.

So here we are. A few weeks have passed and I’m feeling pretty good. I’m having some really strange dreams but I’m sleeping better than I have in months. I’m working a lot but the cash is flowing and most of the time it doesn’t even feel like work. I’m drinking too much but I’m having a damn good time.

There is so much uncertainty about the next few months. I’m trying to get more comfortable with the feeling. Any sense of security I had was completely false anyways, wasn’t it? I wasn’t secure. I realize now that the feeling I had was never “security.” It was something else. I didn’t feel secure. I felt trapped. Isn’t it crazy how feelings can trick you like that? You think you feel one way but its really something else. I’m a bit smarter now. A little bit wiser. The uncertainty I feel isn’t uncertainty at all. What is it then?

Freedom. 

Holy shit. Its FREEDOM. Freedom to do anything I want. It is the one thing I have always wanted most. The feeling that I have been chasing for years. I have almost all of the freedom and feelings I’ve always dreamed of. It came out of nowhere, too. If you had told me a month ago that this is where I would be I probably would have laughed in your face and said “I wish.” That is how it goes though, isn’t it? Life seems to be a certain way until it just isn’t that way anymore.

It is very uncomfortable. Because you don’t know how to do it yet. You don’t know how to manage this new life (see: “drinking too much.”) It takes time to adjust. You have to be more disciplined. You’re the only one calling the shots. You are the one that decides whether or not you go to work or go to the beach or go to the bar or go to the gym. You get to have everything you want. The cash flow has no end in sight. There is nobody left to blame. You don’t have to spend the day fighting against an environment that doesn’t serve you. You decide what you think about, where you go and who you spend your time with.  It sounds easy and fun and beautiful. Unfortunately, it is so completely different from the life you are used to. You’ve never had this much freedom. The confusion distracts you from the beauty of it all. You’ve never had everything you’ve ever wanted. You’ve never had this much control over your life and it is freaking you the fuck out.

So you just go with it. Less fighting. More loving. More feeling. Everything you want can’t possibly that bad. I was scared about this whole getting what you want thing. But now I just want more. You can never have too much feeling. Too much feeling?

If they’re the right feelings, it just feels even better

 June 23, 2014
Jun 072014
 

Well, I think they read my last post.

I wasn’t being given a break so that I wouldn’t quit. It turns out that I was given a break so they could get ready to fire me when I showed up to work on Friday. I’m not going to waste time and energy with the details here. I am going to say that it is a bunch of shady bullshit. You can say all you want about it not being “personal.” There is nothing “business” about firing your top performer. I guess it is always personal, right? It is always personal and the only person that really matters in your life is you. You are nothing but a little speck of fucking dust in the universe as far as everyone else is concerned. You can do your best, you can do everything you possibly know how to do, you can do better than everyone else around you and you can still fucking lose.

My resume is better than yours and nobody gives a fuck.

I get passing moments of rage about how I was let go. I do my best to move on quickly and conserve my energy. I want to feel nothing but gratitude for this result. A decision that I’ve needed to make for myself was finally made for me. I don’t agree with the way it was handled. I guess if that mattered so much I would have taken care of it myself. Fortunately, I probably won’t ever see those people again. Their lack of compassion will make it that much easier for me to move on.

And just like that, in just a few minutes, a few words…just like that, you are free. You are free to do anything you want. The trajectory of your life is forever changed. You thought you couldn’t do it. You thought you were tied down to this obligation, these people, this job, this thing that never really even mattered or existed in the first place. It was interchangeable with a million other opportunities or jobs or people on this planet. The meaning you gave to it seems ridiculous.

So yes, you are free now. The future has no boundaries or limits. The future is always more exciting than the past. That will always be one of the most beautiful things in life.

But if Wednesday was the day that I cry and feel like shit, then Friday is the day that made me want to throw up everywhere all over everything I’ve ever been, done and said. And Saturday is the day that I get really fucked up and cry some more and try to forget that the whole thing ever happened.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day I start over. I’ve started over a million times. I don’t know much but I know I can start over.

Anyone can do the right thing when it is all going as planned. What about when everything goes wrong? This is when the things you do and say matter the most. It matters the most when it hurts so much you can’t breathe. It matters the most when nothing is going your way. It matters the most when you get blindsided on a Friday afternoon. It matters the most when you want to react but you hold your thoughts and your words for just one more moment. It matters the most when you feel like the victim but decide to take full responsibility for your life and every decision you’ve ever made. You feel like it makes you weak. You feel like you have to prove something to everyone. You have nothing to prove. You are the proof. That life should be lived honestly, authentically and on your own terms. Anything else is wasted time.

So this is the day that matters.

The day when you want to give up but you keep going. When you want to lash out but you take the high road. When you want to play the blame game but you decide to learn and grow yourself instead. This is the day you realize that your soul is finally stronger and louder than your ego and you get to walk away unscathed and wiser and free and infinite and as light as the air you breathe into your lungs.

 June 7, 2014
Jun 042014
 

It always takes longer than you thought it would.

Pay off your debt. Fall in love. Lose the weight. Love yourself completely. Get out of the rut. Find where you belong. Forgive and forget. Tell him how you feel. Find the things you’re good at. Decide what you want. Take the next step. Move on. Move up. Let go.

Burn out. 

I don’t know how long it took, but that is where I find myself right now. Burnt the fuck out.  Is “burnt”even a word? It is now.

I’ve pushed and been pushed to my limit at my job. I thought I was strong enough. Instead I was told to take the day off. I guess that means I’m not strong enough. Strong enough isn’t asked to take days off. Strong enough doesn’t cry in the bathroom. Strong enough certainly doesn’t let everyone know that she can’t handle her shit. My boss knows I’m irritated and the new girl doesn’t understand why I don’t like her. Here’s a hint…stop worrying about whether or not I like you and I’ll probably start to like you. 

Now everyone knows I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell if they want to give me a break so I don’t quit on them or if they want to give me a break so they can fire me. What kind of terrible environment is that? I can’t take a break. My bills don’t take “breaks”. I don’t want a break. I want to make my dreams come true. An unpaid day off isn’t going to fix the problem. Some simple recognition might help. Its not gonna happen. I don’t even know if it would be enough at this point. So I’m pissed off and tired and not sure how to deal with it. I’m mad at myself for being in this place. I’m sad that I haven’t taken better care of myself, for being too flexible with my boundaries. When I should have been protecting my energy, I was giving it away to people that don’t even matter. To a job that doesn’t even matter. That is the part that makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I’m not mad with my coworkers or my boss or anyone else. I’m mad at myself. When I don’t take care of myself I give other people permission to do the same. I forgot this rule and I’m the only one suffering. You would think with the pressure I’ve been feeling that I work for the freaking president or save lives for f’s sake. One day I’m going to laugh at this, guys.

That day is not today.

Today is the day I cry about it. Today is the day I feel like shit. Today is the day every stranger I pass on the street looks at me with worried eyes because they can tell I’m about to fall apart. I hope I don’t feel like shit tomorrow, too. I highly doubt I’ll have a new job or steady income of my own by tomorrow though, so I’m going to have to figure something else out. Change my attitude. Find some gratitude. Get some perspective, right? Those are all good things to do when you feel like this. You know what, though? I just can’t right now. I can’t change the way I feel about this situation. I don’t think I should either. I don’t want to change how I feel about it. We have to feel this way and remember this feeling or we’ll never make a change. I was doing a great job of feeling this way and keeping it together. I’ve been doing everything I possibly can to move forward but feel like my feet are stuck to the ground. For whatever reason it isn’t all coming together for me yet. It was only a matter of time before my patience and persistence caused some pain. Stress fracture time. Are you a runner? Sometimes if you run too much your muscles will get tired and can’t absorb the impact of your steps. Your bones have to pick up the slack and they’ll get tiny little fractures. Every failed interview, missed connection, rejection letter, un-returned phone call – every day that goes by that I don’t spend as much time doing what I want to do – makes a tiny little crack that my heart has to hold together. Maybe I took a few too many steps. I think my heart is just tired. Hearts must just get…so incredibly tired sometimes. I’ll give it some rest.

Deep and dark is the only place for me to go. A place where I can feel just awful without any time constraints or judgement from myself or from anyone else. The old me would be freaking out. Running. Hiding. Pretending to be fine. I would be so scared of these feelings that I would do anything to avoid them. I’ve been here before and now I know what comes next. The light comes next. High comes, too. Deeper and darker only creates more space for light to pour in.

It is going to be fine. I’m going to be fine. Everyone knows that.

I’m just going to breathe. Stretch.
Sit my ass on the beach.
Sleep in a little.
Think.
I feel better already.
Daydream.
Write it out.
Write it down.
Coffee. Green juice.
Tears. Patience. Baby steps.
One day at a time. One moment at a time.
Until the answers come to me.

How long will it take? 

I don’t know. But I know that it is going to be so good that it will have been worth the wait.

 June 4, 2014
May 292014
 

I wanted sleep. I needed sleep. Do you ever have those nights? Where all you need and want is a good night’s sleep but the universe seems to be conspiring against you to prevent it all. Your insomniac roommate is trying to be quiet but actually makes an incredible amount of noise. The car alarm down the block that only stops the moment the dog next door starts barking and only stops barking the moment a pack of drunk twentysomethings decide to linger in the street. All night I was having that in-between sleep and awake thing. Where you are kind of sleeping but are still aware of everything happening around you. The kind of sleep that leaves you more exhausted than when you started. The kind of sleep that makes you feel like your heart is broken for no good reason. The kind of sleep that leaves you in tears over the most insignificant detail your ego can find. I wanted to spend a good part of today working at the coffee shop. I might have to change plans. This is a small town and I really don’t want to become known as that girl who cries at the coffee shop. It will be one of those days for sure.

It is all going to be OK. Just breatheOkayokayokay.

In my non-sleep sleep around 3 am, I woke up and my mind just started racing. It was so bad that I had to grab a piece of paper and start writing things down. It was mostly about my website and my business. That is a good sign, right? I think I’m coming to a breaking point. I need work. I can’t do job anymore. Job is completely draining me of all creative resources. Taking away parts of me I need so that I can do meaningful work.

I’m sick of it.

I’ve known for a while that this would happen. There would be something to give me a nudge shove into making some moves. The thing you are afraid of doing becomes the thing that you simply can’t not do. You can’t not tell that guy how you feel. You can’t not sell all your shit and move to a foreign country. You can’t not pour your heart out and hit publish. And you can’t not do the work you know you are meant to do.

The can’t-not part doesn’t make it easy though. It might even make it harder. Because you don’t feel ready and you have to do it anyways. Some friends ask me how to be fearless. I don’t want to tell them that I’m scared of everything (just like Baby). I just get to a point when the thought of not doing something scares me more than just doing it. Regret feels much worse than fear and the fear goes away when you do the thing you’re afraid of. I think that is so freaking cool.

So now I need to change some things. I’m going to change my website. Change the direction a little bit. I’m going to start writing there more and writing here less. I’m going to focus on self-care before I burn myself out into a depressed pile of ashes. Look for opportunities that excite me instead of opportunities I can settle for. I will spend more time creating and less time consuming. This weekend is June 1st already. I can’t believe how fast this year has gone by. This feels like yesterday. This feels like the day before. I haven’t forgotten about my hopes for this year. Even though I feel like crying today, I’m still happy with the way things are going. I love this place and know it is where I’m supposed to be and where I can do the things I need to do.

the universe is my favorite.

All this from one sleepless night. Silly me. I guess the universe was actually doing me a favor.

 May 29, 2014
May 222014
 

My brain is ridiculous right now. It doesn’t even feel like my brain. I can’t get words out right and sometimes the words I’m thinking aren’t even the same ones I say. People and situations that I could normally handle like a champion make me want to jump off a cliff. I don’t like to label people as crazy but, well…I feel a little crazy. It happens to me sometimes when I am really stressed out and its that time of the month. For any male readers out there, I’m telling you now that the woman struggle is real.

Anyways, I wrote an extremely long, whiny blog post to tell you about it. I logged in today to finish it and hated every word. I deleted it because I don’t want to put you through that. It was a painful story about me feeling sorry for myself, eating a bacon cheeseburger, and still feeling tortured by the painfully slow-moving pace of everything in my life. I don’t think you give a fahhck that I ate a cheeseburger. So the post is gone. You’re welcome.

I feel much better after deleting it. Maybe I’ve just discovered some new kind of therapy? Wait, that isn’t new. Aren’t you supposed to write down all the things that aren’t working and burn them or send them away in a balloon? I have been struggling a bit. It seems everyone is right now. I’ve been completely exhausted and in need of a good cry that my stubborn tear ducts won’t let me have. I went to work yesterday and everyone was having a freaking DAY. May 21, 2014 – the day everyone in San Diego should have stayed in bed. My coworkers and I were cussed at more than once by clients. Nobody had anything good to say. Bad energy all around. Its hard to recognize that you are part of the problem when that happens because well…you’re part of the problem. Plus, its so much easier to blame others than to take responsibility for your own attitude. Luckily, in my recently enlightened (ha…really guys, I’m trying!) state of let me love you I actually knew that I was being too reactive. I couldn’t stop, though. Or maybe I didn’t want to stop. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself remember? I told my coworker that I was going to turn things around and just start killing everyone with kindness. I had some chocolate, too. Ugghhh. You know what? It worked. No, it didn’t magically fix all my issues. Yeah, some people still sucked. But I immediately felt better knowing that I was committed to feeling better. Pretty simple. Accept that other people might suck no matter what you do. Then decide that you are going to do everything you can to remain at peace. Really, it works.

Now as to why I’ve been a sad sack of a girl, we still need to do some work. I’m having an extra struggle this week because I’m missing my sister and brother-in-law’s big bachelor/bachelorette weekend in New Orleans. Its a pretty big deal and I am totally bummed out about it. I’m also working at least six days a week (and still had to pay my car insurance with a credit card). Gahhdammit. It has to change. I’m working on it but it is hard and it is sloowwww. The worst part? I’m the problem! I can’t get out of my own way. Its always one step forward, two steps back. Find a posting for my dream job and I can’t bring myself to sit my ass down and apply because I couldn’t possibly be qualified based on the starting salary. My dream man calls me and I’m already thinking of all the different ways I can avoid my feelings. I finally decide on the thing I want to do next and then I spend hours thinking of reasons why I can’t/shouldn’t do it. When all I need is one reason why I can. I’m more afraid of success than I am of failure and it is really fucking annoying.

Am I seriously complaining about the fact that I know I’m going to be successful? Failure. I can do that one. I’ve done it a million times. The success is the scary part.  Because once you have everything you want – then what? I’m pretty sure you just find other stuff to want. That is the part that worries me. Never being satisfied. Ever! This is where my problem is. This is where I got into trouble before. I don’t want it to happen again. I don’t regret anything that I’ve done over the last few years but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what my life would look like if I’d made different choices. Not even the big choices, either. It doesn’t matter now. I am where I am and have to start from here. I know what I have to do. Why can’t I just do it?

I guess there is a progression between knowing something and really knowing it. Like knowing something so deeply that it actually changes the way you act. For a simple example, you know that a food isn’t good for you but you eat it anyways. OR you know a food isn’t good for you so you decide that you don’t want to eat that food because of what it will do to your body. It isn’t always black and white. Sometimes there is a transition period. You’ll have to eat that food a bunch of times to realize it makes you feel like shit before you’ll make the decision to not eat it anymore. Or a gray area. You know that something is bad for you and makes you feel bad – but maybe not that bad. Or feeling shitty for a little while is worth it sometimes (I’m looking at you, alcohol). Part of it is bargaining. Part of it is not actually believing that we deserve what we want. Am I the type of girl that gets to have it all? Can I have a love and a business and a healthy body and a loving family and live at the beach? I know what I want but maybe I don’t know that I deserve it yet. Or I know that I deserve it but I’m just not ready.

I don’t know. So I’m just going to give these things that I know some time to sink in. Marinate for a little while. Get into every cell in my body. I don’t know how long it will take. I was thinking that I’ve been patient enough. That something just has to happen for me soon. But now I don’t really think that’s a thing. Patient enough. That doesn’t exist. Infinite patience is the only amount of patience that will get you what you want.

 May 22, 2014
May 092014
 

I want you to want me.

That is how I’ve been living my life. I don’t like it anymore. I don’t want you to want me.

Well actually yes, I do. Being wanted is wonderful. But what if you don’t want me? Then what happens? If I want you but you don’t want me, it doesn’t mean I want you any less. It usually means I want you even more. Do I try to change so that maybe someday soon you do want me? Do I dwell on all the reasons why you could possibly want someone else instead? Intensify my search for someone that wants me back? What if I find someone that wants me but I don’t want them? Sometimes that is even worse. As a side note, if you want me but I don’t want you, it isn’t because I think you are awful. I probably don’t even think that there is something wrong with you. It just means that well…I don’t want you. Not in this space and time anyways. It has become so dependent on what is on the other end. I’m over it. Exhausted. I don’t like the part of it that is so attached to the outcome. The part that will do anything to avoid rejection and protect the ego. It creates so much unnecessary resistance in my life. So I’m going to change that. I no longer want you to want me.

I want you to…just let me love you. 

Let me love you. This is where I want to live. Let me love you. I don’t want you to want me anymore. I want you to let me love you. It might feel odd at first. We think that if someone doesn’t love us back, then we shouldn’t love them either. You know how that goes. You get rejected by another person and you become filled with hurt or self-doubt or resentment. If you get dumped, you list all the things you think you did wrong or all the things that drove you crazy about the other person. If you think you found your dream job and don’t get hired, you want to know what that other guy had that you didn’t have or what you could have said or done or written on your resume. Why do we do that to ourselves? Well…we don’t do it. Our ego does it to us. What an asshole.

So I’m doing my best to not hang out with my ego anymore. I want to be in a place where I love everything. A place where I love everything and everyone so completely that it overpowers any other feeling or circumstance that currently exists. I want to live in a place that has so much love to give that it doesn’t even matter what is on the other end. If something doesn’t work out for me I want to trust that it is in my best interest. Didn’t get the job or the guy? Because it would take up space I need for an even better situation. OK. I’m pathetic. Boys and work. Those are my only two examples right now because that’s what I’m dealing with right now. This can be applied in any situation in any area of life, though. If you don’t get something you think you want, its simply because the universe is creating space for the actual right thing. Nothing for you can pass you by…remember? You should just love the universe for that one.

Just let me love ______________ . That’s all.

It isn’t always easy (the worth it things never are). It is a practice. A difficult, ongoing practice. I have only just started doing this but am already finding it is the easiest way to quickly turn a negative feeling into healing. Yes, worth it.

Let me love. I’m not asking for permission from you. I’m asking for permission from myself. Want some examples?

Those 23 year olds. Let me love you. Let me love all the things I have learned since I was 23 that you haven’t learned yet. Let me love the parts of you that bring out the insecurities in me so that I know where I need to do some work. Let me love the pieces of you that haven’t been worn down by the world yet so that I can remember to keep myself open. Let me love all the things you do because you simply don’t know what you don’t know.

Just let me love you.

That boy. There isn’t really anything happening. I don’t know if anything will ever happen. If I don’t get what I want from him does it change who he is? Does it change the reasons why I am so attracted to him? We don’t love someone only because they love us back. He still has all of those qualities. He still has the same physical features. Maybe he doesn’t love me. Maybe he doesn’t even like me. Should I feel rejected and defensive and bad about myself? I don’t want to feel any of that. So just let me love him anyways. That is where I feel the best. That is where I get to keep all my power because my self-worth is no longer dependent on what another person thinks. It is where I get to choose how I feel without it being influenced by how he feels. If my love is conditional on him loving me back a certain way is it really love anyways? If someone thought that I was as wonderful as I think he is, I would always want them to think of me that way. We don’t love people or places or things because we need them to love us back. We just love them because that is how it is. Real love doesn’t ask for love back.

Just let me love you. Let me love you.

My body. When it doesn’t do what I want, it is very difficult to love. But who am I to have such standards? There is so much that my body is doing for me that I don’t even know about. How can I be upset with my body when it is telling me it needs to rest? I have stretch marks on my stomach that are never going away. They are one of my biggest body insecurities. They’ve faded over time. I can give them a tan. I can cover them up. But they’re always there. They have been there since I can remember. How long does it take to accept and love a part of yourself that you’ve always resented? Let me love them. I think if I can learn to love my stretch marks I can learn to love anything.

Let me love you.

My life. I always want something more. I always want something different. I think about what I can change or what I can do or where I can go. Let me love my life instead. Let me love how it is. Every single tiny detail. Because when I make a list what I truly want? I have all of them. A simple life at the beach, food that nourishes me, health for myself and my family, the ability to write and create, a flexible work schedule. Its easy to love those big things. I’m going to start loving the little things that try to take away from all the good. My bank account balance. My favorite shoes falling apart. The clouds blocking the sun. My phone that never works. The interviewer that never called back. The rude client. The messy roommate. The high-maintenance coworker. Anyone that has ever rejected me or insulted me or complimented me or made me uncomfortable. Anything I have ever resisted or judged or lost patience with. Just let me accept it all exactly how it is. With real love that is whole and complete and unconditional and unattached and can’t be lost or turned down or destroyed or ruined. Just let me love you.

Give yourself permission to love what the world tells you to resist and guess what? You don’t have to resist against anything ever again.

 May 9, 2014
May 012014
 
cardio with a view

I love to run on the beach. I love it so much. It is hard. What better exercise is there? It is so much more than cardio. Your feet on the earth will help to heal anything. Sun on my skin. Strengthening my feet and ankles and calves. Running on the beach is one of the few activities I’ve found that allows me to focus 100% on what I’m doing. I’m not thinking about that boy. I’m thinking about how much I love the sun on my skin and in my eyes. I’m not thinking about that job or that bill. I’m thinking about how lucky I am to be running on the beach. I’m not thinking about the fat jiggling on my stomach or my thighs or my ass. I thinking about the power coming from the muscles in my legs and the heart in my chest. I wish I could run on the beach all day forever so I could only think those wonderful things.I can’t run on the beach all day, though. If I did I probably wouldn’t like it anymore.

I love yoga, too. I was a yoga hater for so long. Soooooo long. I think I was just scared. Insecure, too. Sometimes I still feel a little uncomfortable in some yoga classes. Fuck it, though. I’m gonna keep going. Yoga is something I need so badly that I’m almost afraid of it. Does that even make sense? Shouldn’t that be exciting? It is exciting but in a “this is big and important and scary” kind of way. I’m have a feeling that it will change me in a big way and I am afraid of it. I was having a weird day last week and I needed to move my body. I went to a class at a new studio that I’ve been meaning to check out. Everything just hurt. My back and my neck and my feet and my mind and my soul.  I was nervous and excited but fell in love with the instructor the second I saw her. Everything about her was everything I needed. Her voice and her words and her choice of poses. I wanted to cry the whole class (like I said, it was a weird day). Lucky for me it was hot yoga and I was profusely sweating the whole time. Sweat or tears? You’ll never know. Ha! All I know is that my body and my mind need yoga. I left that class on another level. Open and emotional and strong and flexible. That is how I want to be and feel and act every fucking day. It reminds me of scuba diving. Every single time. One of the breathing techniques they have you do sounds exactly like breathing underwater. Speaking of doing things you’re afraid of. I was absolutely terrified to dive. That is why I had to do it. You think you can’t do it. You think there is no freaking way you can breathe under water. But you put the regulator in your mouth anyways. You float at the surface. Your head is still above water so you’re still thinking about life on land. You breathe in and out. It makes a funny noise so you still don’t believe its going to work. You let some air out of your BCD. All of a sudden you are completely underwater sinking deeper and deeper and you’re still breathing in air. Not water. Not choking. Just breathing air in and out and in and out. The most slow, peaceful breaths you’ve ever taken. It is quiet and calm underwater. You immediately forget about anything and everything that ever happened to you above the surface because you are no longer in that world. In fact, you’re in a completely different universe. You feel like you have always been there and you could stay there forever. You don’t care about anything except where you are and what is in front of you in each moment.

That is exactly how I felt that way during that yoga class. See? I have to keep doing it. 

I’ve been going through some bullshit over here, though. That beach running and that yoga? They didn’t make it back into my life until about a week ago. Before that, it had been almost a month since I was feeling into…anything. I couldn’t deal. OK, I take that back. I didn’t want to deal. My laptop died right after my last post and I may as well have died with it. Pathetic, right? I hate to admit it but my laptop is a major part of my life. I have a routine. It keeps me organized. Without it I just can’t flow the way I can when my laptop is waiting there for me patiently. I was definitely flowing, too. I felt good. I was motivated and focused and full of ideas and gratitude.Of course that’s when the damn thing breaks. Talk about messing up my flow. It took almost 3 weeks to get it fixed. Every second felt like a freaking hour. Add on a few hundred dollars that I don’t have to fix it and I turned into a helpless, hopeless mess. I tried to make the best of it. I spent more time reading and walking. I tried to write but my writing hands can’t keep up with my brain the way my typing hands can. So, no blogs. Checking emails, paying bills and doing research on an iPhone is enough to drive a girl insane. Somehow I survived and finally got my laptop back. It works like a dream and the guy who fixed it even gave me a free cooling pad. I think he had a crush on me. Please laptop…don’t ever die on me again.

We were finally back on track. Then my body broke. Come oonnnn. It was one thing after another. A muscle in my low back. Rested until it felt better. My shoulder was next. Hurt my calf. Rested some more. Hurt my back again. Arrrghhhh. There is nothing more frustrating than your body not doing what you want it to do or feeling the way you want it to feel. Its like my writing hands not being able to keep up with my brain. I guess my body can’t keep up with my mind sometimes. I gotta figure that one out. I got my laptop back and I’ll get my body back, too. I’m being as patient as I can possibly be. Nutrition more. Walk more. Yoga more. Love body more.

So I’m just now getting back into my groove. I just want to get back. Or move forward. Is that the same thing? I don’t know. I feel stuck-ish. Like nothing is happening. As evidenced by the six weeks of nothing on this blog. Do you want my excuses again for not writing here for six weeks? I work six-plus days a week, my laptop broke, my body broke, it was a holiday, I had visitors, I deserved a break, it was sunny out, blahdiddyblahblahblah. The actual reasons? I haven’t made it a priority, I’m avoiding feeling my feelings (ugh), I’m confused and scared about everything, I don’t know what to write, I don’t know what to do next, and the chair I have is too low for my desk so it is extremely uncomfortable to sit in for extended periods of time. So even though it is the only thing I want to do there has been no writing. My favorite Hemmingway quote:

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at the typewriter and bleed. 

Riiiiight. Nothing to it. Oof. I’m either bleeding to death here or pricking my own finger trying to get a tiny drop of blood from all my nothing-is-happening-ness. Its silly, though. There is never nothing happening. If only we could always remember that the nothing-ness is the time and space being created for everything we want. Just remember that. It is the only thing you need to do.

 May 1, 2014