I do this thing where when I don’t write for this long, all the things I want to write get all backed up and then I have so much to write that I can’t get anything out at all. Then I get frustrated that I haven’t written in so long and don’t know where to start because there is just so much to say so I just keep putting it off longer and longer and longer. It is a horrible vicious cycle. I’m trying to be nice to myself about it because it hasn’t happened in a while. I feel like this time it is really bad though – over a month! – and the not writing was surrounded by a bunch of other bullshit that probably would have been easier to deal with if I just freaking wrote about it.
I do this other thing where when I know I need to write stuff, I avoid it by doing ridiculous things like categorizing my Mint.com transactions all the way back to when I first started using Mint.com. I’ll also spend hours on the G Adventures site and a Google map of Central America looking at all the places I want to go. Then when I’m done with that, I’ll go to Kayak and look at their cheap fare calendar for every foreign city I can think of until I finally decide on a date and location. When I’m done with that, I check my bank accounts and talk myself out of actually buying any ticket to anywhere because other people’s voices in my head tell me I shouldn’t do it.
Sometimes, I do this other thing where I try to tell other people about myself but when they inevitably interrupt me – as most people do – I feel bad that I didn’t get to finish telling them what I wanted to say. Then I’ll spend some time thinking about what happened because it is usually pretty hard for me to tell other people about myself. And then I start to think that maybe it is hard to tell other people about myself because most of them interrupt me when I’m in the process of doing so and then I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m not the person that will ever try to dominate a conversation (unless I’ve had too many drinks, anyways). I don’t think I want to be that person, either. Then I think that I’m a slow talker and maybe if I would talk faster people wouldn’t get bored and interrupt me.
I do another thing where I am usually kind of quiet and I smile a lot. I think most of the time this leads others to believe that I am not a nice person or that I am a fucking idiot. Probably sometimes both. I am neither of those things, but when this happens to me, I get a weird combination of frustrated and thankful. I am thankful because I am not, in fact, a fucking idiot. I am frustrated because those people will treat me differently and even though I know it isn’t true, it still has an illogical, unbelievable, sad effect on the things that I will think about myself for a while after interacting with those people. If you go back to that last thing that I do, it is hard to change their minds about me because when I try to talk to them I don’t often get a chance to finish.
The last thing I do that I’m going to tell you about is that I’ll let something pretty minor take me down for so much longer than it should. For example, this blog post. There was no major catastrophe keeping me away from writing. Actually, I visited the blog quite a bit since my last post. My computer wasn’t broken. Nobody died. It was the little things. It is almost always just the little things that get me off track from all the things that I want to be and do. Sometimes it will be the flu. Another time it will be too much junk food. Another time it will be fear or self-doubt or a stupid comment that someone made. Maybe another time it will be the shitty weather. Before we all know it, 6 weeks has passed and nothing really got done and there isn’t all that much to talk about.
Of all the things I do, that is the one I want to do the least from now on.