Feb 222014

I haven’t been sleeping well. That means I haven’t been writing – has it seriously been almost a month? How many times am I going to write that before I decide to just write more. Instead of getting my thoughts out here, they are racing around and around in my head and I can’t sleep. I’m exhausted. I had the day off yesterday and couldn’t find the energy to do anything I wanted to do. I didn’t shower. I didn’t put on makeup or a bra. Okay, that last part might just be me getting old and not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. Getting my laundry two blocks down the street to the laundry mat was my major project for the day. Pathetic, right? Now its 8:09 pm and all I wanna do is close my eyes and go to bed. I don’t think it will happen without some serious word vomit here on this page.

Time is going by too fast. How do I slow it down? I get so scared sometimes that another year will go by and I will still be at this job, this body, this room, this same longing for that same boy. It is so hard to be patient without it turning into being complacent. It is also really hard to remain grateful for what you have while still wanting more. I don’t even want time to slow  down as much as I want to learn that the perception of time only really exists in my own head. I have a terrible habit of comparing my timeline to other people’s timelines. It is extremely unhealthy. I don’t want to do it anymore. It takes a lot of practice and awareness, though. Didn’t I just tell you I don’t have time for that? Oof.

I’m on a mission to give up all things soy. Its really, really hard. I had a ThinkThin Bar today and I am so disappointed in myself. It didn’t even taste good. Ok, that is a lie. It did taste good but it made my stomach feel like shit. I was doing so well, too. Do you know how many things have soy in them? Its ridiculous and gross. The most difficult things for me right now are hummus and protein bars. Most brands of hummus out there use some sort or soybean or canola oil. Barf me. Almost all protein bars use soy protein. I’ve found a few that don’t. Jay Bars and Rise Bars are my favorites. They ain’t cheap, though. Plus, you can pretty much only get them at Sprouts or Jimbo’s.

All I want in life is to earn enough money to buy my soy-free hummus and protein bars without worry. Is that too much to ask!? Kombucha, too. I think I’m going to start making my own. I’m going to Kombucha Kamp. The website is so cheesy. She is making it in her business, though. I want to do that. Why can’t I just f-ing do it. A woman I work with was telling me that she is thinking about going to the Institute for Integrative Nutrition. I mentioned my nutrition certificate to her and she asked me what the hell I’m doing working at the spa. She doesn’t know that I ask myself the same thing everyday. I love this lady. She is quite eccentric and a lot of people at work don’t like her. The more I learn about her, though, the more interested I become and the more I want to know. She is an esthetician. She has owned her own clinic. She’s been homeless. She loves animals, particularly birds. She is 60 something but her skin doesn’t look a day over 45. She likes to date younger men. She has an MSW. People think she has a few screws loose but this woman is smart. She has been through so much. Imagine what stories this woman has? Stories about how she got from one of those things to the next. About the times she failed and succeeded and persevered.

I find it so fascinating that people have so much about them that you would never know about unless you ask. I’m sure most people and clients at work think I’m just a stupid front desk girl. We all know that I’m not a big talker, though. So all the things that I consider myself to be just don’t come up. They don’t know the places I’ve come from or the people I used to be. They don’t know that I’m a nutritionist. Or a writer. Or a runner. Or a social worker. Or a scuba diver. Or extremely sensitive. Or a graduate from one of the top business schools in the Northeast. Or a sister and and Auntie. They don’t know the 230lb alcoholic, coke fiend, food addicted smoker I used to be. They don’t know the OB heartbreaker that has never had a real relationship because she can have any guy she wants except the one she wants. They don’t know the Katey that sold all her shit and drove across the country alone and moved to Thailand by herself and taught English and went scuba diving and watched the pong show and drank coconuts all day and Thai whiskey all night. Or the one that was so depressed that she couldn’t get out of bed. They are all me but not me at the same time. It feels weird to think about it all. I’m only 29. I can’t even imagine all the people and things I’ll have been by the time I’m an old lady.

It is like people live a bunch of different lives within their one life and you can never, ever fully know another person. You don’t realize how small your part is in their life and vice versa. You think you know a person but you probably don’t. I’ll never forget one night at dinner with my parents last year when my Dad told me and my Mom about this time he got in trouble at school for something that he didn’t do. After he was finished, my Mom had this funny look on her face. She said, “I can’t believe I’ve never heard that story before.” Thirty-plus years of marriage, friendship, shared space, shared lives, and conversation. And there are still things to learn about my Dad. You don’t even realize how small the parts are in your own life until after they’re long gone. That should make it all easier, shouldn’t it? We all make such a big deal about so many things that don’t matter one bit.You think some part of your life is so incredibly significant when its happening but it really isn’t. When I was in Thailand I agonized over the decision to take that job, leave that job, then finally leave Thailand. I thought it was such a big fucking deal at the time. Ask me now and I’ll tell you I went to Thailand, it didn’t work out the way I thought it would, I came home early. The end. And here we are.

Wow, I’m rambling. Why did I start writing? Oh, right. Thoughts racing nonstop. Usually the same ones over and over again. Work. Money. Work. Family. Boy. Money. Website. Workout. Boy. Blah, blah, blah. That boy. Ugh, I love him. I could love him, anyways. Best friends forever love. Happy to sit in silence love. I love you even when I hate you love. Isn’t it ridiculous how you can create an entire life with someone you just met? Someone that you barely even know. Your mind imagines all these different scenarios and make you think that this person is so incredibly wonderful. So perfect that you spent all the moments of your life just to get to this one moment where the universe brought you and this other person together in the same place at the same time. I try to stay hopeful, but I’ve been wrong about this sort of thing before. Actually, I’ve never been right about it my whole life. Do I even want to know how he feels? Something is going to happen. There is going to be a moment of truth either way to show he does feel or simply does not. I want it to happen so badly but don’t want it to at the same time.

Maybe I’d rather have the uncertainty than the heartbreak. Since we’re talking about not knowing people, that is what scares me the most. I have these crazy feelings based on who I think this person is but he could actually be someone completely different. Like I said, I’ve been wrong before. My mind could just be making up stories and playing tricks on me. Why does it do that? Shouldn’t my mind be on my side or something? It hurt when I was wrong those times before and it will hurt if I’m wrong now. All I know is that I really hope he turns out to be who I think he is. If he isn’t the person I think he is, I am going to have to wait a little longer. I am really tired of waiting.

I feel really nervous to hit publish on this one. I think that means the only thing left to do is hit publish.

 February 22, 2014