This is my 100th post.
At any given moment, you are at another starting point. It makes it hard to remember how far you’ve come. I really want to remember, though. When you remember how far you’ve come, it makes it much easier to keep going.
Well. I’ve come a long way.
My first post was on Thursday, August 25th, 2011. It was TERRIBLE! So was the second. All of them were until about two posts ago (kidding!…kind of). I love to go back and see the progression. Two and a half years ago. Who was I then? I was me, for sure. Just a little different. A little less grown up. A little less patient. A lot more insecure. Lets see if I can find a photo.
|Lucy’s: September 2011|
There she is. Silly Katey. She looks so happy. I love her so much. That girl in the photo has no clue what’s coming. She doesn’t know that in a few months, her best friend is going to move back to New York. It is going to be really hard on her. A couple months after that, she’s going to fall in love with her other best friend. He is going to fall in love with someone else. It is going to break her heart. She will lose much of the self-confidence that she worked years to build.
A month after that, she is going to decide that she can’t live in the place that she loves anymore. It hurts too much and she doesn’t know how to fix it. She has to just…go. She doesn’t have a clue what she is doing, but she is going to do it anyway. She doesn’t know that it won’t go the way she plans and she will lose what little confidence she had left. She also doesn’t know that the year after her trip is going to be one of the most challenging years of her life. She is going to be more broke, more lonely, and more depressed than she ever thought possible. She will figure out that she needs to go back to the place that broke her.
When she finally gets there she will realize that all of those things that happened – well, she will see that being more broke, lonely and depressed than you can imagine gives a person that much more room to grow. That girl in the photo. She doesn’t know that she will spend the next two years of her life trying to find a feeling, a freedom, that thing she wants so badly – that she had with her all along.
The only way to have everything you want is to want everything that you have.
See? I told you she was silly.
I wanted a blog for a really long time before I actually posted anything. I’m pretty sure I registered the name of the blog on Christmas the year before. It took me almost a year to publish anything. Yes, a year to publish anything to a blog that nobody even knew about. That nobody was reading!
Fine, nobody is really reading now – but I’m not scared of people reading it anymore. That is how scary this blog-writing business is. I remember the first time I shared it. It was with my sister and I was terrified. I still struggle to write the words I really want to write sometimes. Once in a while I have to have a few drinks before I hit the publish button. Good. I think it means that I’m writing real stuff that matters.
When I first started this blog, it was for selfish reasons. I just wanted to write about my life. I felt lost in this world and needed an outlet for everything that I was going through. I also wanted to start documenting my life better. I was turning 27 and found myself making the same mistakes over and over again. I wasn’t making the progress I wanted to be making. I really had no idea what I was doing. I thought a blog would be a good way to keep tabs on myself and keep myself accountable.
Publishing posts was therapeutic in a way. Even if my sister was the only one reading it, I felt like anything I published made it more real or meaningful. I also felt alone. I was the only 20-something that had no fucking clue what she’s doing. Turns out it wasn’t true but why wasn’t anyone else talking about it? Why does everyone’s life look and sound so perfect? How did they get a job they love so much? How come they get to travel and go on vacation so much? Why are their weekends so fun? How are they making so much money? Why is their relationship so perfect?
We live in a world where people text more than they talk and friends number into the hundreds and even thousands. People don’t want to keep it real. They want to keep it on facebook. They want to hide behind the most awesome (and edited) photo albums and hope everyone sees how much fun their life is. People are only sharing the good so we all think that is all there is. Everyone has it all figured out. Their 20’s has turned out exactly the way they planned.
And don’t get me wrong – some people really do have “it” figured out by now. I think that is amazing but that isn’t how it has worked for me. I’m pretty sure it isn’t like that for most of the world, either (trust me, I’ve done the research). I deactivated my facebook account for almost a year because I couldn’t handle it anymore. It really helped me at the time. Facebook is here to stay, though.
So what else helps?
All I needed and wanted was someone to say that it was OK and actually mean it. Not a parent, or a grandparent, or someone that already has a successful business. I wanted someone that was just like me to say that everything is OK just the way it is and make me believe it. It never happened for me, though. So you know what I did?
I started telling it to myself.
This is OK. This is right. There are no mistakes. All lessons. Be who you are. Tell the truth. Tell your truth. You can’t go wrong. Because no matter how strong your support system is, there will come a time when the one person you think has your back starts to question what the fuck you’re doing with your life.
So just write. Sing. Dance. Clean houses. Be a fucking accountant or a health coach or a barber or a mechanic or a salesperson or a skater or a photographer or a bartender or a social worker or a day trader or a scuba diver or a nomad or a teacher or an artist. Whatever you want to do. I don’t care. Just do it. Do it like a motherfucker. Do whatever it takes to allow you to do that thing.
That’s what I’m going to do. Without a second thought. Without worry about what any one else is doing. Do it for yourself. Do it as if nothing else matters. Because none of the rest of it matters. It is going to take time and patience and practice but that’s OK. This is worth the time and effort. The cliches exist for a reason. Follow your heart. Fake it til you make it. Visualize yourself feeling, doing, being and having everything you want. If you do that, its going to happen. It just has to. And it is gonna be good.
|Lake Atitlan: August 2013|
And the girl in this photo? She will tell you that even when it seems like nothing is happening, everything just keeps getting better.
I love her, too.
One. Hundred. Posts. I think I’ll have a glass of champagne now.