May 092014
 

I want you to want me.

That is how I’ve been living my life. I don’t like it anymore. I don’t want you to want me.

Well actually yes, I do. Being wanted is wonderful. But what if you don’t want me? Then what happens? If I want you but you don’t want me, it doesn’t mean I want you any less. It usually means I want you even more. Do I try to change so that maybe someday soon you do want me? Do I dwell on all the reasons why you could possibly want someone else instead? Intensify my search for someone that wants me back? What if I find someone that wants me but I don’t want them? Sometimes that is even worse. As a side note, if you want me but I don’t want you, it isn’t because I think you are awful. I probably don’t even think that there is something wrong with you. It just means that well…I don’t want you. Not in this space and time anyways. It has become so dependent on what is on the other end. I’m over it. Exhausted. I don’t like the part of it that is so attached to the outcome. The part that will do anything to avoid rejection and protect the ego. It creates so much unnecessary resistance in my life. So I’m going to change that. I no longer want you to want me.

I want you to…just let me love you. 

Let me love you. This is where I want to live. Let me love you. I don’t want you to want me anymore. I want you to let me love you. It might feel odd at first. We think that if someone doesn’t love us back, then we shouldn’t love them either. You know how that goes. You get rejected by another person and you become filled with hurt or self-doubt or resentment. If you get dumped, you list all the things you think you did wrong or all the things that drove you crazy about the other person. If you think you found your dream job and don’t get hired, you want to know what that other guy had that you didn’t have or what you could have said or done or written on your resume. Why do we do that to ourselves? Well…we don’t do it. Our ego does it to us. What an asshole.

So I’m doing my best to not hang out with my ego anymore. I want to be in a place where I love everything. A place where I love everything and everyone so completely that it overpowers any other feeling or circumstance that currently exists. I want to live in a place that has so much love to give that it doesn’t even matter what is on the other end. If something doesn’t work out for me I want to trust that it is in my best interest. Didn’t get the job or the guy? Because it would take up space I need for an even better situation. OK. I’m pathetic. Boys and work. Those are my only two examples right now because that’s what I’m dealing with right now. This can be applied in any situation in any area of life, though. If you don’t get something you think you want, its simply because the universe is creating space for the actual right thing. Nothing for you can pass you by…remember? You should just love the universe for that one.

Just let me love ______________ . That’s all.

It isn’t always easy (the worth it things never are). It is a practice. A difficult, ongoing practice. I have only just started doing this but am already finding it is the easiest way to quickly turn a negative feeling into healing. Yes, worth it.

Let me love. I’m not asking for permission from you. I’m asking for permission from myself. Want some examples?

Those 23 year olds. Let me love you. Let me love all the things I have learned since I was 23 that you haven’t learned yet. Let me love the parts of you that bring out the insecurities in me so that I know where I need to do some work. Let me love the pieces of you that haven’t been worn down by the world yet so that I can remember to keep myself open. Let me love all the things you do because you simply don’t know what you don’t know.

Just let me love you.

That boy. There isn’t really anything happening. I don’t know if anything will ever happen. If I don’t get what I want from him does it change who he is? Does it change the reasons why I am so attracted to him? We don’t love someone only because they love us back. He still has all of those qualities. He still has the same physical features. Maybe he doesn’t love me. Maybe he doesn’t even like me. Should I feel rejected and defensive and bad about myself? I don’t want to feel any of that. So just let me love him anyways. That is where I feel the best. That is where I get to keep all my power because my self-worth is no longer dependent on what another person thinks. It is where I get to choose how I feel without it being influenced by how he feels. If my love is conditional on him loving me back a certain way is it really love anyways? If someone thought that I was as wonderful as I think he is, I would always want them to think of me that way. We don’t love people or places or things because we need them to love us back. We just love them because that is how it is. Real love doesn’t ask for love back.

Just let me love you. Let me love you.

My body. When it doesn’t do what I want, it is very difficult to love. But who am I to have such standards? There is so much that my body is doing for me that I don’t even know about. How can I be upset with my body when it is telling me it needs to rest? I have stretch marks on my stomach that are never going away. They are one of my biggest body insecurities. They’ve faded over time. I can give them a tan. I can cover them up. But they’re always there. They have been there since I can remember. How long does it take to accept and love a part of yourself that you’ve always resented? Let me love them. I think if I can learn to love my stretch marks I can learn to love anything.

Let me love you.

My life. I always want something more. I always want something different. I think about what I can change or what I can do or where I can go. Let me love my life instead. Let me love how it is. Every single tiny detail. Because when I make a list what I truly want? I have all of them. A simple life at the beach, food that nourishes me, health for myself and my family, the ability to write and create, a flexible work schedule. Its easy to love those big things. I’m going to start loving the little things that try to take away from all the good. My bank account balance. My favorite shoes falling apart. The clouds blocking the sun. My phone that never works. The interviewer that never called back. The rude client. The messy roommate. The high-maintenance coworker. Anyone that has ever rejected me or insulted me or complimented me or made me uncomfortable. Anything I have ever resisted or judged or lost patience with. Just let me accept it all exactly how it is. With real love that is whole and complete and unconditional and unattached and can’t be lost or turned down or destroyed or ruined. Just let me love you.

Give yourself permission to love what the world tells you to resist and guess what? You don’t have to resist against anything ever again.



 May 9, 2014