Life is my favorite.
It hasn’t always been that way. For a very long time I wanted to feel that way. I just didn’t know how. I was only a tween when I bought my first self-help book. The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence by Dr. Robert Anthony. I still have it – full of sticky notes and highlights.
I spent the first 25 years of my life very overweight, very unhealthy and very unhappy. I was doing all the wrong things to try and fix myself. I was convinced that my body was the problem. I did everything I could to try to change the outside.
Binge eating. Starving myself. Diet pills.
Drugs and alcohol.
Bad boys. Good boys. No boys.
Once I even sold everything I owned and moved to the other side of the world.
You can run but you can’t hide.
It all turned out to be just a temporary fix.
Eventually, I lost weight and was able to greatly improve my health with nutrition and movement. Something was still missing though. I continued to struggle with all the same things I did before I dropped the 50 pounds.
Every day was a battle. Everyone had it all figured out except for me. Life was unfair and never made any sense. I battled depression, disordered eating, substance abuse, shitty jobs and terrible relationships.
Any time I’d make some progress, something would happen and take me right back to where I started. I knew I needed to break out of this pattern, but I felt trapped. I thought bullying myself with negative self-talk and punishing myself with obsessive control over what I ate would eventually lead to everything I wanted.
Three major problems with this:
1) Bullying sucks.
2) The things I “wanted” turned out to be things I thought I needed in order to be accepted and approved of by the outside world.
3) I assumed changing the outsides would make my insides feel better.
The real issue? There was a major disconnect between my mind, my body, my heart, and my soul.
I didn’t trust my own knowledge or power or value. I thought my value was based on my appearance. My job title. My bank account. A hot boyfriend. A bunch of “fun” friends. My way of thinking was 100% backwards.
You will never find what you’re looking for on the outside.
Life is inside out.
And inside isn’t just beneath the surface. The only way to change is by starting way down deep. Inside is deeper than you can even imagine. Inside is to the deepest, darkest center of your body and your existence. The place you can only feel when the wind gets completely knocked out of you and you can’t breathe. Deep inside is the little black hole right in the middle of your core where the entire universe lives inside of you.
This has been a long, adventurous love affair for me, complete with ups and downs and name-calling and make-ups and break-ups. I finally made the decision that I didn’t want to fight anymore. Has that ever happened to you? Maybe with a friend or a lover or a family member. Being mad and fighting is so incredibly exhausting. It will take everything you have if you let it.
Sometimes surrender, acceptance, and getting back to what really matters is the only way to move forward.
So what really matters to me right now?
- Loving every part of myself – even the dark, ugly parts – and getting to know who I really am.
- Knowing that the only way to get what I want, feel how I want, and look how I want is to make every decision from a place of love and respect for myself and my team: my mind, body and soul.
- Taking full responsibility for myself and my actions.
- Creating a life I always dreamt of but never believed was possible.
- Helping others to do the same.